The World According to Keitho

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A terrible week for the NY Times

Posted by keithosaunders on April 24, 2017

What a terrible week last week was for the NY Times. First they had a article about how being a part of the Trump administration is helping Ivanka’s brand. You might say, that’s hard hitting news, uncovering a fresh scandal. You would be wrong. It’s simply the Times being the Times, fawning and deferring to the lifestyles of the rich and famous.

Now check out last Thursday’s juicy headline:

“Obama’s silence to end, but he won’t criticize Trump.”

What’s he going to talk about, rainbows & unicorns? Who the hell cares what he has to say when his replacement is one tweet away from starting WWIII?!

And finally, on Friday,, the Gray Lady went deep with a 4,000 word article about why James Comey investigated Hillary’s emails, while not releasing to the public the information that he was simultaneously investigating the Russian hacking. Not only was the article dull as dishwater, but it wasn’t news. That’s 10 minutes of work on my fantasy baseball team that I’ll never get back.

Thanks, Times, keep twisting the knife. I’ll be over here listening to Wynton Kelly.

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The bullpens are out of control

Posted by keithosaunders on April 19, 2017

Baseball these days is almost unwatchable.  Without a device that can skip through commercials you’re watching drama on a par with paint drying.  The only time I can watch a game in real time is when I have it on in the background while I’m practicing,  or when I’m eating.  Thanks to a revolving door of relief pitchers from the 6th inning on, the game has slowed to a crawl.  Throw in a few booth reviews and the snail-like pace of most pitchers and hitters and you’ve got yourself a cheap sedative.

What is it with these corporate push-button managers?  They’ve got bullpens, often eight deep, stacked with loutish buffoons, each one throwing in the high 90s.  Yet these pampered gorillas are seemingly incapable of throwing more than one inning at a time.

Then you’ve got the delicate genius managers in the mold of Tony La Russa, such as Cubs manager, Joe Maddon, and Cardinals skipper, Mike Matheny, who mix and match righties and lefties until you want to throw a shoe at the screen.  God forbid these guys ever get into a marathon 20 inning game, they’ll have to forfeit when they run out of players.

 

Delicate genius

Image result for Tony Larussa

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Looking after my brand

Posted by keithosaunders on April 14, 2017

Much to my dismay the United airlines story has been bumped from the news due to the latest flurry of Trump douchery.   I was hoping for at least a three day run of think pieces, threatened lawsuits, and irate comments.

But no.

I began wondering what I would have done in the same situation and this little fantasy ensued:

Picture me flat on my back being dragged down the airplane aisle towards the exit by jackbooted thug cops.  My forehead gushes blood and I am nearly hysterical.  YET…I notice all of the puke-faced millennials recording me on their smart phones and I have the presence of mind to call out, “www.keithosaunders.coooooommmmmm!   Do A GOOGLE SEARCH FOR THE WORLD ACCORDING TO KEITTTTTHHHHHO…LEAVE A COMMENNNNNNTTTTTT…”

 

 

 

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The jackbooted thugs of United Airlines

Posted by keithosaunders on April 10, 2017

You would think that by now that the frustration and degradation levels of airline travel would have peaked and nothing they could do would be able to repel is any further.

Wrong.

Today United Airlines, because they were overbooked, forcibly ejected a paying customer, bloodying his head in the process.  This was to make room for a United employee.  The man, a doctor, refused to relinquish his seat so the crew called in a policeman who dragged him off the flight.

There was video of the ejection (Of course:  Puke-faced millennials video everything) and the story has blown up on Twitter, eliciting a boycott United movement.

But here’s the thing:  United isn’t doing anything that any other American-based airline would do.  In the aftermath of the September 11th, 2001 attacks flying has systematically become more and more of an ordeal in which passengers are considered criminals until proven otherwise.

I am here to say that it isn’t United that we should be boycotting, but the entire airline industry.  Unless you have to fly somewhere on business, you know what?  Stay home.

If you live on one of the coasts and want to take a vacation then get in your car and drive to a beach town or some nearby mountains.  There are a myriad of good vacation spots within driving distance.  If you’re in the middle of the country I’m sure there are plenty of places you can get to.  You’ll save money and your dignity.

You’re probably going to tell me that you have to take the kids to see grandma.   I say have grandma come to you.  That way the airlines get only get one fare instead of four or five.  Here’s an idea:  Have grandma move closer to her grand kids.

Enough is enough.

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Let the intentional walking begin

Posted by keithosaunders on April 2, 2017

Baseball games are really going to fly by now.  Forget the fact that every single close play at first base warrants a three minutes review, intentional walks are now automatic!  Now that’s progress.

This year, rather than a normal baseball prediction post, I’m going to present a baseball soulful (wishful thinking) prediction post.

In the NL East the Mets, flush with pitching, Cespedes, and just enough hitting, will dominate and cruise to their third ever World Series victory.

In the NL Central the Cubs will revert to form and miss the playoffs – the first of 110 more years without a championship. The Pittsburgh Pirates will win the division with the Brewers taking the wild card.

In the NL West, having lost track of whether or not they’re supposed to win in an odd year, the Giants will begin 166 straight years of last place finishes.  The Dodgers will win the west, losing to the Mets in the NLCS.

Moving along to the junior circuit, in the AL West we have my dark horse prediction:  My East Bay homies, the Oakland As will shock the world!  You read it here first.

In the AL Central the Detroit Tigers will win the division, as well as the pennant before losing to the Mets in a 6 game World Series.

In the Al East the Yankees will go 6-156.  The Bluejays will win the division and Joey Batista will set an MLB record with double digit bat flips.  Baltimore gets the wild card.

There you have it:  Major League Baseball according to Keitho.

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Long live the laundromat

Posted by keithosaunders on April 1, 2017

I love doing laundry.  There, I’ve said it.  But what’s more, I love the laundromat.  Even the name, which evokes images of the 1950s, is cool.

I’ve got a good one that is five minutes from  my apartment.  The change machine always works.  I have to say that change machine technology has improved over the past decade.  My crinkled ones almost never get spit back out anymore.  I love that the change machine is the most advanced tech in the place.  The machines are all still coin operated — like the 50s!

I have my routine.  During the wash cycle I run errands.  Usually I’ll dash to the market for some speed shopping.  Then it’s back to the ‘mat’ to put my clothes into the dryer. While my clothes are drying (only 40 minutes!) I run back to my apartment for some lunch.  Then it’s back to the mat.  Fold, load, return to my apartment, and put the laundry away.  Binc, binc, binc, binc.

It’s not that expensive.  The entire process costs around $10.00.  I ask you, where can you have that much fun with your clothes on?

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Whilst

Posted by keithosaunders on March 28, 2017

Let me tell you something, if you write ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while’ in your post, and you’re not British,  then your internet privileges should be revoked. FORTHWITH. Just what kind of airs are you putting on with that garbage word? You think you’re so sophisticated? Well you’re not!

If you are the kind of person that says whilst, then you can take that man-bun of yours, stick the point into a wall socket, and we can all enjoy a good snuff film.

(Unless you’re the man-bun guy from last Club Deluxe last Tuesday.  I’m kind of afraid of him)

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A Small Victory

Posted by keithosaunders on March 25, 2017

Trump Care, or to be more apt, Death Care, was withdrawn by a House that didn’t have enough Republican votes to get it through to the Senate.  I can’t seem to wrap my head around the reason for its failure.  Was it because of moderate Republicans who would have to face a constituency that would find itself either uninsured or paying up the wazoola for health care?  Or was it because of hard-line, conservative Republicans who thought that the bill was too generous and will not be happy until there are bread lines.

Either way…phew!

It’s hard to believe that the Trump administration thought that they could ram this bill through Congress in a month’s time and move on to gutting the infrastructure of the country via a budget bill.  Talk about hubris.

Image result for ryan and health care meme

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Music has gotten too loud

Posted by keithosaunders on March 18, 2017

Music is too loud these days.  I played an early gig at a bar in the Haight and after we were off there was a band with a singer, sax, trumpet, hammond organ, bass, and drums.  They were pretty obnoxious overall, but even worse they were loud as hell.  Even the horns were miked.  It was god awful.  It’s acoustic music.  There’s no need to pummel the patrons over the head.

Just a terrible job out of them.

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Dead [bad] presidents

Posted by keithosaunders on March 16, 2017

I’m imagining an Albany, California town meeting 100 years ago.  One of the city council members opens the meeting by stating, We’ve got to come up with a theme for naming our streets.  What could it be?  What to do?  Then the mayor snaps his finger and shouts, I’ve got it, we’ll name the streets after our nation’s worst presidents!

Thus modern Albany was born.  For starters I live on Buchanan St. James Buchanan was the only president to remain a bachelor his entire life.  Not only that, he was the only president from Pennsylvania. (my home state, incidentally)  During his inauguration he vowed to be president for only one term. That’s like me promising not to play at Carnegie Hall. Buchanan was the last president before the Civil War.  Nuff said.

Moving west to east we have Fillmore St. Millard Fillmore, our last Whig president, emerged from poverty out of the Finger Lakes in New York State.  The Whigs would evaporate after Fillmore’s term and morph into the ‘No-nothings’

Did I mention how Fillmore gained the presidency?  That would be the next street over – Taylor St.  Fillmore was Zachary Taylor’s vice president. Taylor died 14 months into his term from a digestive ailment brought about by consuming copious amounts of raw fruit and iced milk.

That’s about all the time I have today for bad presidential memory lane.  I didn’t even get to Polk St.  Now enjoy this photo of Harvey Keitel.

 

Image result for bad lieutenant

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