The World According to Keitho

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MLP: Major League Pandering

Posted by keithosaunders on May 31, 2018

I’ve loved the game of baseball for most of my 57 years, but I have to say that MLB makes it more and more difficult to remain a fan.  They have become a league that panders, mostly to a jingoistic, right wing fan base.

Must I be reminded of the worst day in New York City history every 7th inning of  baseball game I attend?  What used to be a corny and quaint sing-along to Take Me Out to the Ball Game is now an enforced, falsely patriotic tribute to our soldiers.

Exhibit B are the army fatigue uniforms that the Padres wear every Sunday and that many other teams, the Mets included, don on special occasions, Memorial Day being one of them.  When I watch games on mlb.tv every other commercial serves as recruitment tool for the U.S. military.  Are baseball fans inherently warlike?

The most inane of all pandering is Jackie Robinson Day,  in which every player wears the Robinson’s number 42.  On that day you can’t tell the players even with a scorecard.  I love and appreciate Robinson but isn’t there a less confusing way to honor him?

On Mother’s Day I actually feel sorry for the players who are forced to wear pink uniforms and caps.  Come on, baseball.  I loved my Mom but I never felt the need to prove it by wearing a dress on Mother’s Day.

 

Image result for baseball mother's day uniforms

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Poly want a cracker?

Posted by keithosaunders on May 20, 2018

But wait, folks, there’s more.  More Tinder follies!  Truthfully, I would ditch this app if it weren’t for the blog material it is giving me.

I matched with a woman named Katherine whose profile promised to “shower me with love and appreciation.”  She even made chicken soup for a former boyfriend even though she is a vegetarian.  She stated that she was interested in exploring committed polyamoras relationships.  (multiple partners at once)  Poly doesn’t really seem like my thing, but I figured, what the heck, I’ve tried everything else.

I responded, asking Katherine to meet for a drink, figuring that we could skip the endless texting portion of the relationship and begin getting to know each other.  I received this response:

I don’t usually do the Tinder thing of meeting from texting. Once I give you my number you call and we can talk at least twice. Then you ask me out on a proper date.  No coffee or cocktails.  I’m poly, but old school. Run my own business but want to be treated like a lady. Sexual but not into anything below the waist stuff outside relationship 

Talk about taking the guesswork out of romance.  In fact, she’s managed to take the romance out of romance!

Well, two can play at the rules game.  I replied with this message:

Hi Katherine, I respect your rules and regulations.  In fact, I have a few of my own.  First of all, no talking about politics on the first date.  No hand-holding or touching of any kind during the first one an a half dates.  Clothing containing the color, fuchsia must never be worn.  Cell phone use is restricted to break times.  Break times will be determined via lottery two days before the date.  Use of mass transit is strictly prohibited.  Any dietary restrictions must be vetted and cleared by a panel of neutral nutritionists no fewer than six days prior to the date.  Sex may only occur on alternate leap years coinciding with years that the New York Mets make the playoffs. 

I await her response…

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That didn’t take long

Posted by keithosaunders on May 10, 2018

For the past several months social media has been rife with snark.  Facebook and the Twitterati have turned the decibel level up to 10, gloating over Donald Trump’s poor approval ratings and the inevitable Blue sweep of the Congress in the November midterms.  So why was I not surprised when CNN released a poll yesterday saying the the midterm races were in a dead heat?

Puke-faced millennial social media mavens can talk trash until carpal tunnel sets in, but that’s not going to change the fact that we live in an uneducated, racist society that could care less that a narcissistic dullard is president.  Throw in the fact that the Republicans that *are* educated are making so much money off of this administration that they, too, are happy to turn a blind eye.

Folks, the fix was in long before Trump became president. Between gerrymandering, the gradual dumbing down of our nation through massive education cuts, and a gluttonous one percent, we have long been a lost cause.  Time to batten down the hatches — we’re in for a rough ride.

 

 

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Not here for a hookup

Posted by keithosaunders on April 28, 2018

It’s been a brutal start to the Tinder year.  I’ve matched with a few women but nobody that really seems interested in dating me.  (or I, them)

I listened to a podcast called Sex With Emily in which a panel of six discussed the current state of casual sex.  (Their ages ranged from 23-41) Apparently, if one is reasonably good looking and relatively stable, having sex is as easy as swiping right.  These people are having so much sex – one of the guys says he tells his partners up front that he is not interested in any relationship outside of the bedroom.  He has never been with anyone longer than three weeks, yet he gets laid whenever he wants!

Wind the clock forward another 15 years to those that are my age and nearly every single profile comes with the disclaimer, not here for a hookup.  I guess they are there to make my life miserable.

We turn the page.

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It begins

Posted by keithosaunders on March 29, 2018

Well that off season went by pretty fast.  Another baseball season is upon us and the Mets are 1-0.  Extrapolated to a full season that comes to…[gets calculator]…162-0!  Who am I kidding,  I’ll be happy if Syndergaard and Cespedes can stay healthy for a full season.

This year, in a herculean effort to speed up the game, baseball had limited catchers trips to the mound to 6 per game.  If this is successful the time of game may decrease to that of what it was in the pre-replay review era.  In other words, not much.

In an era where teams carry 13-15 men pitching staffs and relief pitchers are expected to pitch no more than one inning, the idea of having ballgames last shorter than 3.5 hours is a pipe dream at best.

I would be happy, however, if baseball banned the playing of God Bless America in the 7th inning stretch.  If they must have this jingoistic nonsense at least move it to the 6th inning, leaving Take Me Out to the Ballgame to reclaim its rightful place in Americana.

Play ball!

 

Image result for baseball

 

 

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The whispering willows

Posted by keithosaunders on March 8, 2018

I’ve noticed a recent trend in TV acting:  Young, puke-faced millennial actors and actresses who, in lieu of any real technique, whisper their lines.  The dialogue emerges in a breathy rush, enunciation be damned.  They swallow consonants with the same insouciance that Trump swallows constitutional law.

Exhibit A is  MacKenzie Porter, an actress from a Netflix series called Travelers.  She never met a consonant she liked.  It’s deep, though, since she whispers.

 

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Rise of the Planet of the Relief Pitcher

Posted by keithosaunders on February 28, 2018

And now for some baseball madness.  I was reading a magazine article about the pitcher, Shohei Ohtani, who the California Angels signed during the off season.  Ohtani is a two-way player – a pitcher who can also hit.  Angels manager, Mike Scioscia, commented, we’ll be using Othani to pinch hit, as well as pinch run, since we’ll only have a 3 man bench.

My eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.  3 MAN BENCH?!   Is this what baseball has come to?   If this is a harbinger, and I think it is, teams will soon be comprised largely of relief pitchers.

It’s hard to get excited about rule changes designed to speed up the game when managers change pitchers more often than Trump changes cabinet members.  Pitch count clocks are cute and all, but between booth reviews and  6-10 pitching changes a game, the era of the four hour regulation game has arrived.

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Height of the union

Posted by keithosaunders on February 6, 2018

Time for more of my Tinder follies.  What is this fixation that women have with men being taller than they are?  I would say a good 30% of the women’s profiles I view stipulate in no uncertain terms that they expect their dates to be taller than they are.

I’m 5’8″ – 5’11” in heels. 

I like to look up to my date.

Sorry guys, if you’re shorter than I am swipe left. 

Excuse me, is this 2018 or do we still live in Victorian times?   How deflating to realize that even though you have made it to middle age, the Darwinian rules of high school still apply.

Women are sorting their dating pool based on the pituitary gland, thus downgrading seemingly important traits such as personality, humanity, and intelligence.  It’s no wonder we’ve ended up with a Donald Trump as president.  Most people are not introspective, but shallow, vapid, and self-absorbed.

This is bad news for me, since at 57 I’m not going to get any taller.  In fact, I’m shrinking!

Image result for the incredible shrinking man

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Thank you very much

Posted by keithosaunders on January 27, 2018

Who remembers the musical Scrooge from 1970 starring Albert Finney?  There’s a scene, about 2/3 of the way through, where Scrooge, visiting the his future self, views his own funeral celebration.  A cast of thousands breaks into a song called Thank You Very Much, singing, dancing, and gala-banding down a London street.  Scrooge, of course, thinks the crowd is thanking him for years of service and philanthropy, where in reality they are thanking God for ridding them of a scoundrel.

This is how I envision America to be were Trump to die in office.  It wouldn’t be a day of shock, grief, or mourning, such as when J.F.K. was assassinated.  No, this would be abject relief, if not joy.   Something tells me that Melania would be leading the parade.

 

This song was nominated for an Academy Award.

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Work hard, play hard

Posted by keithosaunders on January 9, 2018

Happy New Year everybody!  The statute of limitations on New Years salutations, according to my watch,  has not yet expired.  That would be January 15th, OK?  If you’re still wishing people a happy new year on Martin Luther King Day then I’m going to have to have a talk with you.

I have been faithfully plodding along on Tinder, but truthfully I have almost zero interest in dating.  I feel like I’ve been getting things done musically, what with all of my increased time for practice.  The thought of having to go through first date exposition is too daunting to deal with.  I would have to prepare as if I’m taking an SAT.  Who has that kind of time and energy?

I still peruse dating profiles, however, and I have noticed a couple of tropes that I would like to comment on.  (I mean besides the preponderance of photos in scuba regalia.)

I had no idea that there were that many women criminals on Tinder.  I would estimate that 1/3 of the profiles I read state that [she] is looking for a partner in crime.  Since I’m not into crime I usually swipe left.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that many many women not only work hard, but play hard as well.  The thing is, I’m an adult.  I put away my Twister and silly putty years ago! I suppose you could talk me into playing a game of Monopoly or Scrabble but how hard can you play those games?  Do I need to take steroids to up my level of intensity?  YESSSSSSSSS, BOARDWALK!  IN YOUR FACE, LADY. 

Image result for playing monopoly on steroids

 

 

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