The World According to Keitho

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The sound of exposed brick

Posted by keithosaunders on January 18, 2019

Has anyone noticed how awful music sounds in almost every restaurant and club?  Club owners and restaurateurs love their cavernous, barn-like structures with hard surface floors, exposed brick, and floor to ceiling windows.  Well let me tell you something, exposed brick may be hip and charming, but the effect it has on music is horrible beyond belief.

But forget about music, conversation sounds awful in these hell holes.  You get some liquored up tech-bros trying to one up each other with their knowledge of mixed drinks, and their clothespin-voiced girlfriends who speak in a range that would make Maynard Ferguson jealous, and you may as well be in the Super Dome on Super Bowl Sunday.

Would it kill the establishment to throw down a couple of rugs and hang some drapes?  What do they have against musicians and pukeys being able to coexist?

 

Image result for exposed brick

 

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I’ve got nothing

Posted by keithosaunders on December 29, 2018

It’s the end of the year and I’ve got nothing.  I’m running on E, emotionally, artistically, and spiritually.  We’ve got a lying sack of excrement in the White House that 40 per cent of the country approve of.  The Dems are taking control of the Congress which opens the door for impeachment, but with the feckless Republican-controlled Senate there is little or no chance of conviction.

Sports continue to be a microcosm of capitalism with the rich getting richer (Yankees/Dodgers/Warriors) and an almost cult-like subservience to time-sucking instant replay booth reviews.

As much as I practice and strive to improve it is looking like too little too late.  The time is growing short and I’ve got a lot left to accomplish, not the least of which is staying alive.  How much longer will gigs and teaching be a reliable source of income?  Was it ever?

Happy New Year.

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Keitho’s dating theory

Posted by keithosaunders on October 19, 2018

Folks, let’s face it, dating is excruciating, particularly the symphony of awkwardness that is the first date.  The amount of exposition that a middle-aged man who has been married and with kids has to supply is daunting.  Then there is the small talk.  I’m not good at small talk which, for me, tends to emerge as stilted and contrived.  To top everything off there is the sexual tension.  Should I kiss her, and if so, should I be even bolder?  It’s all too much!

I’m here to tell you that sex, if practiced safely,  should not be that big of a deal.  It’s  great fun, good for the ego, and it burns carbs!  Why should one have to, for all intents and purposes, sign a pre-nup in order to partake in this most pleasurable of activities?

In fact, sex is a hell of a lot more enjoyable than the actual date.  Why not skip the date and begin the relationship with sex?   You’ll know right away if the relationship has a shot.  If you are incompatible in the bedroom the chances are you will not make a good couple.  If the sex isn’t that good you can say goodbye knowing that you’ve saved yourself the time, expense and tension of a date.

On the other hand, if you have a great roll in the hay, think how mush easier the small talk will flow.  Conversation always comes easier after sex.   You can make small talk until the cows come home.  Then you go on a date.

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Welcome back NFL

Posted by keithosaunders on September 10, 2018

You know what?  Concussions and all, the NFL is still the best sport.

While it’s true that on any given Sunday one may have to endure penalty-marred games and the insipid booth reviews, for the most part these games are over and done with within three hours.  Unlike baseball which forces you to sit through the delicate-genius managers changing pitchers every other batter, football is succinct and to the point.

The NBA and NHL regular seasons are jokes, containing little, or no meaningful games.  While baseball’s regular season retains some integrity,  with the addition of wildcard teams, truly meaningful pennant races are rendered mute.  You would think, with all the extra teams potentially in post season contention, there would be more intrigue in September.   More often than not, however, the divisions are decided long before October.

This leaves football, with its tight, 16 game schedule.  I enjoy the rhythm of the autumn sports week where you can enjoy taking in the sports radio and newspaper hype, gradually working yourself into a frenzy.  You spend the week looking forward to Sunday or Monday night.  You’re like a caged animal waiting to be set free.

This is what life is about.

 

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Sippin’ at Bell’s

Posted by keithosaunders on September 4, 2018

Here is an unconventional blues from Miles Davis called Sippin’ at Bells.  It comes from his very first session as a leader in 1947 and the band featured Charlie Parker (on tenor!) John Lewis – piano, Nelson Boyd – bass, and Max Roach on drums.

The other tracks are the original Milestones, (Miles would write a second Milestones ten years later – a modal tune based on two chords) Little Willie Leaps (based on the chords of Bronislaw Kaper’s All Gods Children Got Rhythm), and Half Nelson.  All four of the tunes on this date ended up becoming jazz standards.  Jazz musicians throughout the world know them and continue to play them.

Sippin’ at Bells, a 12 bar blues,  is notable for it’s unique, substitute chord laden progression.  Miles begins the song with an F major 7 (instead of a dominant 7) and if that is not radical enough, he immediately diverts to the key of Eb in measure two, using Fm7-Bb7.  In the fifth measure, instead of using the usual IV dominant 7, Davis employs a IV major 7, a striking diversion from the norm.

In 1949 the pianist Bud Powell would record his original, Dance of the Infidels.  Its chord progression is almost identical to that of ‘Bells,’ although its melody is completely different.  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

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Happy birthday

Posted by keithosaunders on August 24, 2018

When I was young I fell in love with jazz music.  I studied, practiced, jammed, and gigged.  I was precocious and thought I was much better than I was.  Harmonically, rhythmically, and technically I was callow – less than the player I am today.  I didn’t care.  There was joy and abandon in my playing and the optimism that is the domain of the young.

When I was young I went on dates.  I had infatuations, rejections, romances, and breakups.  There were no dating aps — I  was judged on my poise and insouciance in the moment.  Sometimes I fell flat on my face and other times the stars aligned for great successes.  It didn’t matter – there was time.

When I was young if I wanted to go to a ballgame my greatest worry (living in New York) was whether or not there would be a rain out.  The cost was not prohibitive, the game, though slow, was not marred by interminable booth delays or a revolving door of relief pitchers.  I was not made to feel like a criminal upon entering the stadium.  There was joy in the experience.

So begins my 58th year.  Bring it on.

 

Image result for Keith Hernandez

Keith Hernandez – my favorite Met.

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The swingin’ As

Posted by keithosaunders on August 13, 2018

It’s time to give a shout out to my East Bay homies, the Oakland Athletics who come from out of nowhere – 9 games behind the Seattle Mariners for a wild card spot – to not only pass the Mariners in the standings, but challenge the world champion Houston Astros for the Al West division.  At this writing the As trail the Astros by a mere 2 and a half games in the standings.

How does Billy Beane do it?  He continues to build contenders from scratch with one of the most limited budgets in baseball.   If I were the New York Mets I would back up the truck to make an offer to Beane.

If the As are able to win a playoff round this would be one of the feel-good baseball stories of recent years.  Their rewarad for winning a wild card game, however, will be a date with the Boston Redsox.  They’ll cross that bridge when the come to it.

 

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Sapiosexual,sapioschmexual

Posted by keithosaunders on August 4, 2018

Once again I am here to report on my continuing encounters with online dating.  Here in the Bay Area there are many phony baloney trends.  Some people are into ethical monogamy, which is basically cheating with a get-out-of-jail free card.  I’ve already touched on that wonderful institution, polyamory – Mormonism by another name.  The more girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands, the merrier!

Today, however, I’m here to talk to you about another idiotic trend:  Sapiosexualality.  I would estimate that about one of every ten profiles I come across, the person identifies herself as a sapiosexual.

What is sapiosexuality, you ask?  Good question!  I had to look it up.

sa·pi·o·sex·u·al
ˌsāpēōˈsekSH(o͞o)əl/
adjective
  1. 1.
    (of a person) finding intelligence sexually attractive or arousing.
    “I met a PhD student from Germany who told me that he was sapiosexual”

 

Please.  Don’t kid a kidder.  You and I both know that if we gathered 20 sapiosexuals in a room, brought in Albert Einstein (assuming we could reanimate him) and Leonardo DiCaprio, and asked the sapiosexuals to choose between the two for a sexcapade, 20 out of 20 are going with Leo.

Don’t give me this malarkey that it’s brains, not beef, that drives sexual appetites.  Identifying as a sapiosexual may make you appear to be a cutting edge hippy-dippy Bay Area player, but in the end you’re just another passive-aggressive, lightweight Californian.

Image result for albert einstein

Image result for leonardo dicaprio

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The treason summit

Posted by keithosaunders on July 23, 2018

Happy one week anniversary of the treason summit.  Due to the cascade of Donald Trump’s tweets and the media’s short attention span, the abomination that was Trump/Putin press conference is out of sight and out of mind.

As much as we’d like to pin it on him, this mess is not Trump’s fault.  He’s doing the best he can with a very limited amount of intelligence and acumen.  If he was a musician we would say that he is working with a damaged instrument.  That’s not exactly true.  It would be more akin to a first year piano student playing on an old out of tune upright with 20 broken strings.

The Republicans in Congress are the ones to blame.  If they had an ounce of integrity we would be deep into impeachment hearings and a Pence administration would be imminent.  (not that a Pence administration would be a day at the beach)  Instead we have a few squeaky wheels who are not running for reelection, i.e. John McCain and Bob Corker, and a trove of servile,  quiescent lackeys.  These scoundrels are content to stack the courts with conservative judges, gut affordable health care, see that the American populous is armed, and rape the ecology.

The fix is in and has been for many years.  Welcome to the endgame.

 

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The normalizing New York Times

Posted by keithosaunders on July 6, 2018

I’ll be honest, I don’t need to read another article telling me why the heartland of the United States voted for Trump.  Since Donald Trump’s victory in November of 2016, The New York Times, always noted for its austere gentility, has been on a crusade to explain the nuances of salt of the earth blue collar Americans.

At this point I could care less why they voted for him.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I know the reason:  Racism.  These bible belt didacts could care less about Trump’s boorish behavior – his myriad of marital infidelities or his nefarious business practices – as long as the orange slime makes life in America uncomfortable and untenable for people of color.  End of story.

As if Trump’s (largely successful) efforts to alienate allies, ruin the ecology, and stack the courts with reactionary judges aren’t enough I have to be subjected to 500 word Times articles explaining why Trump randomly capitalizes certain words.  I can write that same article using just 5 words.  Are you ready?  Here goes:

New York Times    July 6th 2018

NY Times Explainer:

—————————–

WHY THE PRESIDENT RANDOMLY CAPITALIZE WORDS

by Keith Saunders

President Trump is a moron. 

 

Image result for donald trump goofy photo

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