The World According to Keitho

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Keitho’s dating theory

Posted by keithosaunders on October 19, 2018

Folks, let’s face it, dating is excruciating, particularly the symphony of awkwardness that is the first date.  The amount of exposition that a middle-aged man who has been married and with kids has to supply is daunting.  Then there is the small talk.  I’m not good at small talk which, for me, tends to emerge as stilted and contrived.  To top everything off there is the sexual tension.  Should I kiss her, and if so, should I be even bolder?  It’s all too much!

I’m here to tell you that sex, if practiced safely,  should not be that big of a deal.  It’s  great fun, good for the ego, and it burns carbs!  Why should one have to, for all intents and purposes, sign a pre-nup in order to partake in this most pleasurable of activities?

In fact, sex is a hell of a lot more enjoyable than the actual date.  Why not skip the date and begin the relationship with sex?   You’ll know right away if the relationship has a shot.  If you are incompatible in the bedroom the chances are you will not make a good couple.  If the sex isn’t that good you can say goodbye knowing that you’ve saved yourself the time, expense and tension of a date.

On the other hand, if you have a great roll in the hay, think how mush easier the small talk will flow.  Conversation always comes easier after sex.   You can make small talk until the cows come home.  Then you go on a date.

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Welcome back NFL

Posted by keithosaunders on September 10, 2018

You know what?  Concussions and all, the NFL is still the best sport.

While it’s true that on any given Sunday one may have to endure penalty-marred games and the insipid booth reviews, for the most part these games are over and done with within three hours.  Unlike baseball which forces you to sit through the delicate-genius managers changing pitchers every other batter, football is succinct and to the point.

The NBA and NHL regular seasons are jokes, containing little, or no meaningful games.  While baseball’s regular season retains some integrity,  with the addition of wildcard teams, truly meaningful pennant races are rendered mute.  You would think, with all the extra teams potentially in post season contention, there would be more intrigue in September.   More often than not, however, the divisions are decided long before October.

This leaves football, with its tight, 16 game schedule.  I enjoy the rhythm of the autumn sports week where you can enjoy taking in the sports radio and newspaper hype, gradually working yourself into a frenzy.  You spend the week looking forward to Sunday or Monday night.  You’re like a caged animal waiting to be set free.

This is what life is about.

 

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Sippin’ at Bell’s

Posted by keithosaunders on September 4, 2018

Here is an unconventional blues from Miles Davis called Sippin’ at Bells.  It comes from his very first session as a leader in 1947 and the band featured Charlie Parker (on tenor!) John Lewis – piano, Nelson Boyd – bass, and Max Roach on drums.

The other tracks are the original Milestones, (Miles would write a second Milestones ten years later – a modal tune based on two chords) Little Willie Leaps (based on the chords of Bronislaw Kaper’s All Gods Children Got Rhythm), and Half Nelson.  All four of the tunes on this date ended up becoming jazz standards.  Jazz musicians throughout the world know them and continue to play them.

Sippin’ at Bells, a 12 bar blues,  is notable for it’s unique, substitute chord laden progression.  Miles begins the song with an F major 7 (instead of a dominant 7) and if that is not radical enough, he immediately diverts to the key of Eb in measure two, using Fm7-Bb7.  In the fifth measure, instead of using the usual IV dominant 7, Davis employs a IV major 7, a striking diversion from the norm.

In 1949 the pianist Bud Powell would record his original, Dance of the Infidels.  Its chord progression is almost identical to that of ‘Bells,’ although its melody is completely different.  Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

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Happy birthday

Posted by keithosaunders on August 24, 2018

When I was young I fell in love with jazz music.  I studied, practiced, jammed, and gigged.  I was precocious and thought I was much better than I was.  Harmonically, rhythmically, and technically I was callow – less than the player I am today.  I didn’t care.  There was joy and abandon in my playing and the optimism that is the domain of the young.

When I was young I went on dates.  I had infatuations, rejections, romances, and breakups.  There were no dating aps — I  was judged on my poise and insouciance in the moment.  Sometimes I fell flat on my face and other times the stars aligned for great successes.  It didn’t matter – there was time.

When I was young if I wanted to go to a ballgame my greatest worry (living in New York) was whether or not there would be a rain out.  The cost was not prohibitive, the game, though slow, was not marred by interminable booth delays or a revolving door of relief pitchers.  I was not made to feel like a criminal upon entering the stadium.  There was joy in the experience.

So begins my 58th year.  Bring it on.

 

Image result for Keith Hernandez

Keith Hernandez – my favorite Met.

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The swingin’ As

Posted by keithosaunders on August 13, 2018

It’s time to give a shout out to my East Bay homies, the Oakland Athletics who come from out of nowhere – 9 games behind the Seattle Mariners for a wild card spot – to not only pass the Mariners in the standings, but challenge the world champion Houston Astros for the Al West division.  At this writing the As trail the Astros by a mere 2 and a half games in the standings.

How does Billy Beane do it?  He continues to build contenders from scratch with one of the most limited budgets in baseball.   If I were the New York Mets I would back up the truck to make an offer to Beane.

If the As are able to win a playoff round this would be one of the feel-good baseball stories of recent years.  Their rewarad for winning a wild card game, however, will be a date with the Boston Redsox.  They’ll cross that bridge when the come to it.

 

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Sapiosexual,sapioschmexual

Posted by keithosaunders on August 4, 2018

Once again I am here to report on my continuing encounters with online dating.  Here in the Bay Area there are many phony baloney trends.  Some people are into ethical monogamy, which is basically cheating with a get-out-of-jail free card.  I’ve already touched on that wonderful institution, polyamory – Mormonism by another name.  The more girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands, the merrier!

Today, however, I’m here to talk to you about another idiotic trend:  Sapiosexualality.  I would estimate that about one of every ten profiles I come across, the person identifies herself as a sapiosexual.

What is sapiosexuality, you ask?  Good question!  I had to look it up.

sa·pi·o·sex·u·al
ˌsāpēōˈsekSH(o͞o)əl/
adjective
  1. 1.
    (of a person) finding intelligence sexually attractive or arousing.
    “I met a PhD student from Germany who told me that he was sapiosexual”

 

Please.  Don’t kid a kidder.  You and I both know that if we gathered 20 sapiosexuals in a room, brought in Albert Einstein (assuming we could reanimate him) and Leonardo DiCaprio, and asked the sapiosexuals to choose between the two for a sexcapade, 20 out of 20 are going with Leo.

Don’t give me this malarkey that it’s brains, not beef, that drives sexual appetites.  Identifying as a sapiosexual may make you appear to be a cutting edge hippy-dippy Bay Area player, but in the end you’re just another passive-aggressive, lightweight Californian.

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Image result for leonardo dicaprio

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The treason summit

Posted by keithosaunders on July 23, 2018

Happy one week anniversary of the treason summit.  Due to the cascade of Donald Trump’s tweets and the media’s short attention span, the abomination that was Trump/Putin press conference is out of sight and out of mind.

As much as we’d like to pin it on him, this mess is not Trump’s fault.  He’s doing the best he can with a very limited amount of intelligence and acumen.  If he was a musician we would say that he is working with a damaged instrument.  That’s not exactly true.  It would be more akin to a first year piano student playing on an old out of tune upright with 20 broken strings.

The Republicans in Congress are the ones to blame.  If they had an ounce of integrity we would be deep into impeachment hearings and a Pence administration would be imminent.  (not that a Pence administration would be a day at the beach)  Instead we have a few squeaky wheels who are not running for reelection, i.e. John McCain and Bob Corker, and a trove of servile,  quiescent lackeys.  These scoundrels are content to stack the courts with conservative judges, gut affordable health care, see that the American populous is armed, and rape the ecology.

The fix is in and has been for many years.  Welcome to the endgame.

 

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The normalizing New York Times

Posted by keithosaunders on July 6, 2018

I’ll be honest, I don’t need to read another article telling me why the heartland of the United States voted for Trump.  Since Donald Trump’s victory in November of 2016, The New York Times, always noted for its austere gentility, has been on a crusade to explain the nuances of salt of the earth blue collar Americans.

At this point I could care less why they voted for him.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I know the reason:  Racism.  These bible belt didacts could care less about Trump’s boorish behavior – his myriad of marital infidelities or his nefarious business practices – as long as the orange slime makes life in America uncomfortable and untenable for people of color.  End of story.

As if Trump’s (largely successful) efforts to alienate allies, ruin the ecology, and stack the courts with reactionary judges aren’t enough I have to be subjected to 500 word Times articles explaining why Trump randomly capitalizes certain words.  I can write that same article using just 5 words.  Are you ready?  Here goes:

New York Times    July 6th 2018

NY Times Explainer:

—————————–

WHY THE PRESIDENT RANDOMLY CAPITALIZE WORDS

by Keith Saunders

President Trump is a moron. 

 

Image result for donald trump goofy photo

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MLP: Major League Pandering

Posted by keithosaunders on May 31, 2018

I’ve loved the game of baseball for most of my 57 years, but I have to say that MLB makes it more and more difficult to remain a fan.  They have become a league that panders, mostly to a jingoistic, right wing fan base.

Must I be reminded of the worst day in New York City history every 7th inning of  baseball game I attend?  What used to be a corny and quaint sing-along to Take Me Out to the Ball Game is now an enforced, falsely patriotic tribute to our soldiers.

Exhibit B are the army fatigue uniforms that the Padres wear every Sunday and that many other teams, the Mets included, don on special occasions, Memorial Day being one of them.  When I watch games on mlb.tv every other commercial serves as recruitment tool for the U.S. military.  Are baseball fans inherently warlike?

The most inane of all pandering is Jackie Robinson Day,  in which every player wears the Robinson’s number 42.  On that day you can’t tell the players even with a scorecard.  I love and appreciate Robinson but isn’t there a less confusing way to honor him?

On Mother’s Day I actually feel sorry for the players who are forced to wear pink uniforms and caps.  Come on, baseball.  I loved my Mom but I never felt the need to prove it by wearing a dress on Mother’s Day.

 

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Poly want a cracker?

Posted by keithosaunders on May 20, 2018

But wait, folks, there’s more.  More Tinder follies!  Truthfully, I would ditch this app if it weren’t for the blog material it is giving me.

I matched with a woman named Katherine whose profile promised to “shower me with love and appreciation.”  She even made chicken soup for a former boyfriend even though she is a vegetarian.  She stated that she was interested in exploring committed polyamoras relationships.  (multiple partners at once)  Poly doesn’t really seem like my thing, but I figured, what the heck, I’ve tried everything else.

I responded, asking Katherine to meet for a drink, figuring that we could skip the endless texting portion of the relationship and begin getting to know each other.  I received this response:

I don’t usually do the Tinder thing of meeting from texting. Once I give you my number you call and we can talk at least twice. Then you ask me out on a proper date.  No coffee or cocktails.  I’m poly, but old school. Run my own business but want to be treated like a lady. Sexual but not into anything below the waist stuff outside relationship 

Talk about taking the guesswork out of romance.  In fact, she’s managed to take the romance out of romance!

Well, two can play at the rules game.  I replied with this message:

Hi Katherine, I respect your rules and regulations.  In fact, I have a few of my own.  First of all, no talking about politics on the first date.  No hand-holding or touching of any kind during the first one an a half dates.  Clothing containing the color, fuchsia must never be worn.  Cell phone use is restricted to break times.  Break times will be determined via lottery two days before the date.  Use of mass transit is strictly prohibited.  Any dietary restrictions must be vetted and cleared by a panel of neutral nutritionists no fewer than six days prior to the date.  Sex may only occur on alternate leap years coinciding with years that the New York Mets make the playoffs. 

I await her response…

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