The World According to Keitho

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The swingin’ As

Posted by keithosaunders on August 13, 2018

It’s time to give a shout out to my East Bay homies, the Oakland Athletics who come from out of nowhere – 9 games behind the Seattle Mariners for a wild card spot – to not only pass the Mariners in the standings, but challenge the world champion Houston Astros for the Al West division.  At this writing the As trail the Astros by a mere 2 and a half games in the standings.

How does Billy Beane do it?  He continues to build contenders from scratch with one of the most limited budgets in baseball.   If I were the New York Mets I would back up the truck to make an offer to Beane.

If the As are able to win a playoff round this would be one of the feel-good baseball stories of recent years.  Their rewarad for winning a wild card game, however, will be a date with the Boston Redsox.  They’ll cross that bridge when the come to it.

 

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Sapiosexual,sapioschmexual

Posted by keithosaunders on August 4, 2018

Once again I am here to report on my continuing encounters with online dating.  Here in the Bay Area there are many phony baloney trends.  Some people are into ethical monogamy, which is basically cheating with a get-out-of-jail free card.  I’ve already touched on that wonderful institution, polyamory – Mormonism by another name.  The more girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands, the merrier!

Today, however, I’m here to talk to you about another idiotic trend:  Sapiosexualality.  I would estimate that about one of every ten profiles I come across, the person identifies herself as a sapiosexual.

What is sapiosexuality, you ask?  Good question!  I had to look it up.

sa·pi·o·sex·u·al
ˌsāpēōˈsekSH(o͞o)əl/
adjective
  1. 1.
    (of a person) finding intelligence sexually attractive or arousing.
    “I met a PhD student from Germany who told me that he was sapiosexual”

 

Please.  Don’t kid a kidder.  You and I both know that if we gathered 20 sapiosexuals in a room, brought in Albert Einstein (assuming we could reanimate him) and Leonardo DiCaprio, and asked the sapiosexuals to choose between the two for a sexcapade, 20 out of 20 are going with Leo.

Don’t give me this malarkey that it’s brains, not beef, that drives sexual appetites.  Identifying as a sapiosexual may make you appear to be a cutting edge hippy-dippy Bay Area player, but in the end you’re just another passive-aggressive, lightweight Californian.

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The treason summit

Posted by keithosaunders on July 23, 2018

Happy one week anniversary of the treason summit.  Due to the cascade of Donald Trump’s tweets and the media’s short attention span, the abomination that was Trump/Putin press conference is out of sight and out of mind.

As much as we’d like to pin it on him, this mess is not Trump’s fault.  He’s doing the best he can with a very limited amount of intelligence and acumen.  If he was a musician we would say that he is working with a damaged instrument.  That’s not exactly true.  It would be more akin to a first year piano student playing on an old out of tune upright with 20 broken strings.

The Republicans in Congress are the ones to blame.  If they had an ounce of integrity we would be deep into impeachment hearings and a Pence administration would be imminent.  (not that a Pence administration would be a day at the beach)  Instead we have a few squeaky wheels who are not running for reelection, i.e. John McCain and Bob Corker, and a trove of servile,  quiescent lackeys.  These scoundrels are content to stack the courts with conservative judges, gut affordable health care, see that the American populous is armed, and rape the ecology.

The fix is in and has been for many years.  Welcome to the endgame.

 

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The normalizing New York Times

Posted by keithosaunders on July 6, 2018

I’ll be honest, I don’t need to read another article telling me why the heartland of the United States voted for Trump.  Since Donald Trump’s victory in November of 2016, The New York Times, always noted for its austere gentility, has been on a crusade to explain the nuances of salt of the earth blue collar Americans.

At this point I could care less why they voted for him.  In fact, I’m pretty sure I know the reason:  Racism.  These bible belt didacts could care less about Trump’s boorish behavior – his myriad of marital infidelities or his nefarious business practices – as long as the orange slime makes life in America uncomfortable and untenable for people of color.  End of story.

As if Trump’s (largely successful) efforts to alienate allies, ruin the ecology, and stack the courts with reactionary judges aren’t enough I have to be subjected to 500 word Times articles explaining why Trump randomly capitalizes certain words.  I can write that same article using just 5 words.  Are you ready?  Here goes:

New York Times    July 6th 2018

NY Times Explainer:

—————————–

WHY THE PRESIDENT RANDOMLY CAPITALIZE WORDS

by Keith Saunders

President Trump is a moron. 

 

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MLP: Major League Pandering

Posted by keithosaunders on May 31, 2018

I’ve loved the game of baseball for most of my 57 years, but I have to say that MLB makes it more and more difficult to remain a fan.  They have become a league that panders, mostly to a jingoistic, right wing fan base.

Must I be reminded of the worst day in New York City history every 7th inning of  baseball game I attend?  What used to be a corny and quaint sing-along to Take Me Out to the Ball Game is now an enforced, falsely patriotic tribute to our soldiers.

Exhibit B are the army fatigue uniforms that the Padres wear every Sunday and that many other teams, the Mets included, don on special occasions, Memorial Day being one of them.  When I watch games on mlb.tv every other commercial serves as recruitment tool for the U.S. military.  Are baseball fans inherently warlike?

The most inane of all pandering is Jackie Robinson Day,  in which every player wears the Robinson’s number 42.  On that day you can’t tell the players even with a scorecard.  I love and appreciate Robinson but isn’t there a less confusing way to honor him?

On Mother’s Day I actually feel sorry for the players who are forced to wear pink uniforms and caps.  Come on, baseball.  I loved my Mom but I never felt the need to prove it by wearing a dress on Mother’s Day.

 

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Poly want a cracker?

Posted by keithosaunders on May 20, 2018

But wait, folks, there’s more.  More Tinder follies!  Truthfully, I would ditch this app if it weren’t for the blog material it is giving me.

I matched with a woman named Katherine whose profile promised to “shower me with love and appreciation.”  She even made chicken soup for a former boyfriend even though she is a vegetarian.  She stated that she was interested in exploring committed polyamoras relationships.  (multiple partners at once)  Poly doesn’t really seem like my thing, but I figured, what the heck, I’ve tried everything else.

I responded, asking Katherine to meet for a drink, figuring that we could skip the endless texting portion of the relationship and begin getting to know each other.  I received this response:

I don’t usually do the Tinder thing of meeting from texting. Once I give you my number you call and we can talk at least twice. Then you ask me out on a proper date.  No coffee or cocktails.  I’m poly, but old school. Run my own business but want to be treated like a lady. Sexual but not into anything below the waist stuff outside relationship 

Talk about taking the guesswork out of romance.  In fact, she’s managed to take the romance out of romance!

Well, two can play at the rules game.  I replied with this message:

Hi Katherine, I respect your rules and regulations.  In fact, I have a few of my own.  First of all, no talking about politics on the first date.  No hand-holding or touching of any kind during the first one an a half dates.  Clothing containing the color, fuchsia must never be worn.  Cell phone use is restricted to break times.  Break times will be determined via lottery two days before the date.  Use of mass transit is strictly prohibited.  Any dietary restrictions must be vetted and cleared by a panel of neutral nutritionists no fewer than six days prior to the date.  Sex may only occur on alternate leap years coinciding with years that the New York Mets make the playoffs. 

I await her response…

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That didn’t take long

Posted by keithosaunders on May 10, 2018

For the past several months social media has been rife with snark.  Facebook and the Twitterati have turned the decibel level up to 10, gloating over Donald Trump’s poor approval ratings and the inevitable Blue sweep of the Congress in the November midterms.  So why was I not surprised when CNN released a poll yesterday saying the the midterm races were in a dead heat?

Puke-faced millennial social media mavens can talk trash until carpal tunnel sets in, but that’s not going to change the fact that we live in an uneducated, racist society that could care less that a narcissistic dullard is president.  Throw in the fact that the Republicans that *are* educated are making so much money off of this administration that they, too, are happy to turn a blind eye.

Folks, the fix was in long before Trump became president. Between gerrymandering, the gradual dumbing down of our nation through massive education cuts, and a gluttonous one percent, we have long been a lost cause.  Time to batten down the hatches — we’re in for a rough ride.

 

 

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Not here for a hookup

Posted by keithosaunders on April 28, 2018

It’s been a brutal start to the Tinder year.  I’ve matched with a few women but nobody that really seems interested in dating me.  (or I, them)

I listened to a podcast called Sex With Emily in which a panel of six discussed the current state of casual sex.  (Their ages ranged from 23-41) Apparently, if one is reasonably good looking and relatively stable, having sex is as easy as swiping right.  These people are having so much sex – one of the guys says he tells his partners up front that he is not interested in any relationship outside of the bedroom.  He has never been with anyone longer than three weeks, yet he gets laid whenever he wants!

Wind the clock forward another 15 years to those that are my age and nearly every single profile comes with the disclaimer, not here for a hookup.  I guess they are there to make my life miserable.

We turn the page.

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It begins

Posted by keithosaunders on March 29, 2018

Well that off season went by pretty fast.  Another baseball season is upon us and the Mets are 1-0.  Extrapolated to a full season that comes to…[gets calculator]…162-0!  Who am I kidding,  I’ll be happy if Syndergaard and Cespedes can stay healthy for a full season.

This year, in a herculean effort to speed up the game, baseball had limited catchers trips to the mound to 6 per game.  If this is successful the time of game may decrease to that of what it was in the pre-replay review era.  In other words, not much.

In an era where teams carry 13-15 men pitching staffs and relief pitchers are expected to pitch no more than one inning, the idea of having ballgames last shorter than 3.5 hours is a pipe dream at best.

I would be happy, however, if baseball banned the playing of God Bless America in the 7th inning stretch.  If they must have this jingoistic nonsense at least move it to the 6th inning, leaving Take Me Out to the Ballgame to reclaim its rightful place in Americana.

Play ball!

 

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The whispering willows

Posted by keithosaunders on March 8, 2018

I’ve noticed a recent trend in TV acting:  Young, puke-faced millennial actors and actresses who, in lieu of any real technique, whisper their lines.  The dialogue emerges in a breathy rush, enunciation be damned.  They swallow consonants with the same insouciance that Trump swallows constitutional law.

Exhibit A is  MacKenzie Porter, an actress from a Netflix series called Travelers.  She never met a consonant she liked.  It’s deep, though, since she whispers.

 

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