The World According to Keitho

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Poly want a cracker?

Posted by keithosaunders on May 20, 2018

But wait, folks, there’s more.  More Tinder follies!  Truthfully, I would ditch this app if it weren’t for the blog material it is giving me.

I matched with a woman named Katherine whose profile promised to “shower me with love and appreciation.”  She even made chicken soup for a former boyfriend even though she is a vegetarian.  She stated that she was interested in exploring committed polyamoras relationships.  (multiple partners at once)  Poly doesn’t really seem like my thing, but I figured, what the heck, I’ve tried everything else.

I responded, asking Katherine to meet for a drink, figuring that we could skip the endless texting portion of the relationship and begin getting to know each other.  I received this response:

I don’t usually do the Tinder thing of meeting from texting. Once I give you my number you call and we can talk at least twice. Then you ask me out on a proper date.  No coffee or cocktails.  I’m poly, but old school. Run my own business but want to be treated like a lady. Sexual but not into anything below the waist stuff outside relationship 

Talk about taking the guesswork out of romance.  In fact, she’s managed to take the romance out of romance!

Well, two can play at the rules game.  I replied with this message:

Hi Katherine, I respect your rules and regulations.  In fact, I have a few of my own.  First of all, no talking about politics on the first date.  No hand-holding or touching of any kind during the first one an a half dates.  Clothing containing the color, fuchsia must never be worn.  Cell phone use is restricted to break times.  Break times will be determined via lottery two days before the date.  Use of mass transit is strictly prohibited.  Any dietary restrictions must be vetted and cleared by a panel of neutral nutritionists no fewer than six days prior to the date.  Sex may only occur on alternate leap years coinciding with years that the New York Mets make the playoffs. 

I await her response…

7 Responses to “Poly want a cracker?”

  1. verdun2 said

    Damn, you’re hard to please. 🙂

  2. tinderette said

    Omg that’s hilarious!

    • The post script is that she responded to my snarky response in a very contrite manner assuring me that she really wasn’t into rules, but allowing that she could see how I got that impression, I was a little taken aback because I was expecting a more aggressive response. I I responded, apologizing for my excessive snarkiness but by the time I sent it she had already unmatched.

      • Terri said

        You were excessively funny not snarky. If she could have matched your wit it might have been a match.

        Poly Amores are weird. You are invited into an implicit rejecting liaison: you alone will never be enough. The imposed rules restrict passion.

        My one encounter- just curious, too— ludicrously instructed me to yell green, yellow, or red light to signal my level of pain and pleasure.

        I could not agree to these terms. Stop already, I said.

      • It’s probably not fair to make a sweeping judgement about a lifestyle you haven’t properly explored. You might feel it doesn’t suit you personally, or be what you are culturally familiar with, but ‘you’ll never be enough’ really isn’t what it’s about

      • You’re probably right, but as for now I’ll say I’m unimpressed with the alternative, west coast, passive-aggressive, non-sex liking, or having, lifestyles.

      • Yeah, that description doesn’t sound much fun to me either. 😂

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