The World According to Keitho

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Archive for the ‘life’ Category

Happy birthday

Posted by keithosaunders on August 24, 2018

When I was young I fell in love with jazz music.  I studied, practiced, jammed, and gigged.  I was precocious and thought I was much better than I was.  Harmonically, rhythmically, and technically I was callow – less than the player I am today.  I didn’t care.  There was joy and abandon in my playing and the optimism that is the domain of the young.

When I was young I went on dates.  I had infatuations, rejections, romances, and breakups.  There were no dating aps — I  was judged on my poise and insouciance in the moment.  Sometimes I fell flat on my face and other times the stars aligned for great successes.  It didn’t matter – there was time.

When I was young if I wanted to go to a ballgame my greatest worry (living in New York) was whether or not there would be a rain out.  The cost was not prohibitive, the game, though slow, was not marred by interminable booth delays or a revolving door of relief pitchers.  I was not made to feel like a criminal upon entering the stadium.  There was joy in the experience.

So begins my 58th year.  Bring it on.

 

Image result for Keith Hernandez

Keith Hernandez – my favorite Met.

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Sapiosexual,sapioschmexual

Posted by keithosaunders on August 4, 2018

Once again I am here to report on my continuing encounters with online dating.  Here in the Bay Area there are many phony baloney trends.  Some people are into ethical monogamy, which is basically cheating with a get-out-of-jail free card.  I’ve already touched on that wonderful institution, polyamory – Mormonism by another name.  The more girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands, the merrier!

Today, however, I’m here to talk to you about another idiotic trend:  Sapiosexualality.  I would estimate that about one of every ten profiles I come across, the person identifies herself as a sapiosexual.

What is sapiosexuality, you ask?  Good question!  I had to look it up.

sa·pi·o·sex·u·al
ˌsāpēōˈsekSH(o͞o)əl/
adjective
  1. 1.
    (of a person) finding intelligence sexually attractive or arousing.
    “I met a PhD student from Germany who told me that he was sapiosexual”

 

Please.  Don’t kid a kidder.  You and I both know that if we gathered 20 sapiosexuals in a room, brought in Albert Einstein (assuming we could reanimate him) and Leonardo DiCaprio, and asked the sapiosexuals to choose between the two for a sexcapade, 20 out of 20 are going with Leo.

Don’t give me this malarkey that it’s brains, not beef, that drives sexual appetites.  Identifying as a sapiosexual may make you appear to be a cutting edge hippy-dippy Bay Area player, but in the end you’re just another passive-aggressive, lightweight Californian.

Image result for albert einstein

Image result for leonardo dicaprio

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Poly want a cracker?

Posted by keithosaunders on May 20, 2018

But wait, folks, there’s more.  More Tinder follies!  Truthfully, I would ditch this app if it weren’t for the blog material it is giving me.

I matched with a woman named Katherine whose profile promised to “shower me with love and appreciation.”  She even made chicken soup for a former boyfriend even though she is a vegetarian.  She stated that she was interested in exploring committed polyamoras relationships.  (multiple partners at once)  Poly doesn’t really seem like my thing, but I figured, what the heck, I’ve tried everything else.

I responded, asking Katherine to meet for a drink, figuring that we could skip the endless texting portion of the relationship and begin getting to know each other.  I received this response:

I don’t usually do the Tinder thing of meeting from texting. Once I give you my number you call and we can talk at least twice. Then you ask me out on a proper date.  No coffee or cocktails.  I’m poly, but old school. Run my own business but want to be treated like a lady. Sexual but not into anything below the waist stuff outside relationship 

Talk about taking the guesswork out of romance.  In fact, she’s managed to take the romance out of romance!

Well, two can play at the rules game.  I replied with this message:

Hi Katherine, I respect your rules and regulations.  In fact, I have a few of my own.  First of all, no talking about politics on the first date.  No hand-holding or touching of any kind during the first one an a half dates.  Clothing containing the color, fuchsia must never be worn.  Cell phone use is restricted to break times.  Break times will be determined via lottery two days before the date.  Use of mass transit is strictly prohibited.  Any dietary restrictions must be vetted and cleared by a panel of neutral nutritionists no fewer than six days prior to the date.  Sex may only occur on alternate leap years coinciding with years that the New York Mets make the playoffs. 

I await her response…

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Not here for a hookup

Posted by keithosaunders on April 28, 2018

It’s been a brutal start to the Tinder year.  I’ve matched with a few women but nobody that really seems interested in dating me.  (or I, them)

I listened to a podcast called Sex With Emily in which a panel of six discussed the current state of casual sex.  (Their ages ranged from 23-41) Apparently, if one is reasonably good looking and relatively stable, having sex is as easy as swiping right.  These people are having so much sex – one of the guys says he tells his partners up front that he is not interested in any relationship outside of the bedroom.  He has never been with anyone longer than three weeks, yet he gets laid whenever he wants!

Wind the clock forward another 15 years to those that are my age and nearly every single profile comes with the disclaimer, not here for a hookup.  I guess they are there to make my life miserable.

We turn the page.

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Height of the union

Posted by keithosaunders on February 6, 2018

Time for more of my Tinder follies.  What is this fixation that women have with men being taller than they are?  I would say a good 30% of the women’s profiles I view stipulate in no uncertain terms that they expect their dates to be taller than they are.

I’m 5’8″ – 5’11” in heels. 

I like to look up to my date.

Sorry guys, if you’re shorter than I am swipe left. 

Excuse me, is this 2018 or do we still live in Victorian times?   How deflating to realize that even though you have made it to middle age, the Darwinian rules of high school still apply.

Women are sorting their dating pool based on the pituitary gland, thus downgrading seemingly important traits such as personality, humanity, and intelligence.  It’s no wonder we’ve ended up with a Donald Trump as president.  Most people are not introspective, but shallow, vapid, and self-absorbed.

This is bad news for me, since at 57 I’m not going to get any taller.  In fact, I’m shrinking!

Image result for the incredible shrinking man

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Work hard, play hard

Posted by keithosaunders on January 9, 2018

Happy New Year everybody!  The statute of limitations on New Years salutations, according to my watch,  has not yet expired.  That would be January 15th, OK?  If you’re still wishing people a happy new year on Martin Luther King Day then I’m going to have to have a talk with you.

I have been faithfully plodding along on Tinder, but truthfully I have almost zero interest in dating.  I feel like I’ve been getting things done musically, what with all of my increased time for practice.  The thought of having to go through first date exposition is too daunting to deal with.  I would have to prepare as if I’m taking an SAT.  Who has that kind of time and energy?

I still peruse dating profiles, however, and I have noticed a couple of tropes that I would like to comment on.  (I mean besides the preponderance of photos in scuba regalia.)

I had no idea that there were that many women criminals on Tinder.  I would estimate that 1/3 of the profiles I read state that [she] is looking for a partner in crime.  Since I’m not into crime I usually swipe left.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that many many women not only work hard, but play hard as well.  The thing is, I’m an adult.  I put away my Twister and silly putty years ago! I suppose you could talk me into playing a game of Monopoly or Scrabble but how hard can you play those games?  Do I need to take steroids to up my level of intensity?  YESSSSSSSSS, BOARDWALK!  IN YOUR FACE, LADY. 

Image result for playing monopoly on steroids

 

 

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Happy Thanksgiving

Posted by keithosaunders on November 23, 2017

Well, folks, Thanksgiving is upon us.  It is little secret the traditional Thanksgiving foods are among the most overrated of all all time.  There’s a reason we don’t eat stuffing and cranberry sauce year round.  Stuffing tastes like cardboard and cranberry sauce is an assault to the taste buds.  Sweet potatoes?  Meh. The turkey, a dry, unwieldy bird, tastes good for three bites or so before the tryptophan kicks in and then it’s goodnight the lights.  The white meat tastes like paper so you’d better get a good place in line to snag one of the two drumsticks.

Enjoy!

 

Image result for turkey

 

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The exposition

Posted by keithosaunders on November 5, 2017

The hardest part of dating as a middle aged man, and the main reason I am not enthusiastic about dating, is the amount of exposition that goes into the first date.  It’s exhausting having to recount my life’s story with all of its layers and complexities. First of all, the breakup with my ex-wife doesn’t have a good narrative.  It would be one thing if one of us cheated or embezzled – now that’s a juicy breakup.  But no, we just grew slowly apart, split up, and remained good friends.

Then there is the career.  Yes, playing piano is my job, no I do not make tons of money, yes I’m talented, (you have to say you’re talented so she doesn’t think you’re a schlub, but you run the risk of coming off as arrogant) no, it’s not glamorous, yes I sometimes play gigs I don’t want to play.  Oh, and by the way, I work nights, often 6 or 7 a week, and I always work on New Years Eve.

What a catch!

 

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The dating blues

Posted by keithosaunders on October 31, 2017

I began to gig in jazz clubs in my late teens back when I lived in Los Angeles.  I had decided to eschew college in pursuit of a career as a jazz musician – a decision that has netted me upwards of hundreds, if not thousands of dollars.  I was having a great time practicing 5-6 hours during the day and gigging at night.

One unfortunate byproduct of this situation was that I was invariably the youngest person in the club by over ten years.  Not being in the cocoon of college made it difficult to find a girl close to my age to date.  Where was Tinder when I needed it?!

Fast forward 40 years and all of the practice paid off.  I’m gigging most nights, and I play at an extremely high level.  However I’m now often the oldest person in the club by over 15 years.  Somewhere up in heaven Rod Serling is having a good laugh.

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Not here for the hookups

Posted by keithosaunders on July 31, 2017

One thing that soon becomes clear while browsing on Tinder is that many, many middle-aged women are not there for the hookups.  I have a problem with that.

It’s that I’m only on Tinder for the hookup.  I am hopeful that I will eventually meet someone, fall in love, and have a long term relationship.  But here’s the thing:  If you go on a date knowing there is zero chance of a sex, you’re removing much of the electricity that comes with that possibility.  Without sexual tension you may as well be hanging out with friends.

Plus, I don’t believe it in setting such rules and boundaries.  We’re adults, and we’ve been adults for decades.  If there is mutual attraction we can handle a spontaneous romp.  Hell, we’ve earned it!

I am hereby swiping left on anyone’s profile that states, ‘no hookups.’ (Unless they say they like Bud Powell.)

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