The World According to Keitho

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Archive for the ‘life’ Category

Poly want a cracker?

Posted by keithosaunders on May 20, 2018

But wait, folks, there’s more.  More Tinder follies!  Truthfully, I would ditch this app if it weren’t for the blog material it is giving me.

I matched with a woman named Katherine whose profile promised to “shower me with love and appreciation.”  She even made chicken soup for a former boyfriend even though she is a vegetarian.  She stated that she was interested in exploring committed polyamoras relationships.  (multiple partners at once)  Poly doesn’t really seem like my thing, but I figured, what the heck, I’ve tried everything else.

I responded, asking Katherine to meet for a drink, figuring that we could skip the endless texting portion of the relationship and begin getting to know each other.  I received this response:

I don’t usually do the Tinder thing of meeting from texting. Once I give you my number you call and we can talk at least twice. Then you ask me out on a proper date.  No coffee or cocktails.  I’m poly, but old school. Run my own business but want to be treated like a lady. Sexual but not into anything below the waist stuff outside relationship 

Talk about taking the guesswork out of romance.  In fact, she’s managed to take the romance out of romance!

Well, two can play at the rules game.  I replied with this message:

Hi Katherine, I respect your rules and regulations.  In fact, I have a few of my own.  First of all, no talking about politics on the first date.  No hand-holding or touching of any kind during the first one an a half dates.  Clothing containing the color, fuchsia must never be worn.  Cell phone use is restricted to break times.  Break times will be determined via lottery two days before the date.  Use of mass transit is strictly prohibited.  Any dietary restrictions must be vetted and cleared by a panel of neutral nutritionists no fewer than six days prior to the date.  Sex may only occur on alternate leap years coinciding with years that the New York Mets make the playoffs. 

I await her response…

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Not here for a hookup

Posted by keithosaunders on April 28, 2018

It’s been a brutal start to the Tinder year.  I’ve matched with a few women but nobody that really seems interested in dating me.  (or I, them)

I listened to a podcast called Sex With Emily in which a panel of six discussed the current state of casual sex.  (Their ages ranged from 23-41) Apparently, if one is reasonably good looking and relatively stable, having sex is as easy as swiping right.  These people are having so much sex – one of the guys says he tells his partners up front that he is not interested in any relationship outside of the bedroom.  He has never been with anyone longer than three weeks, yet he gets laid whenever he wants!

Wind the clock forward another 15 years to those that are my age and nearly every single profile comes with the disclaimer, not here for a hookup.  I guess they are there to make my life miserable.

We turn the page.

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Height of the union

Posted by keithosaunders on February 6, 2018

Time for more of my Tinder follies.  What is this fixation that women have with men being taller than they are?  I would say a good 30% of the women’s profiles I view stipulate in no uncertain terms that they expect their dates to be taller than they are.

I’m 5’8″ – 5’11” in heels. 

I like to look up to my date.

Sorry guys, if you’re shorter than I am swipe left. 

Excuse me, is this 2018 or do we still live in Victorian times?   How deflating to realize that even though you have made it to middle age, the Darwinian rules of high school still apply.

Women are sorting their dating pool based on the pituitary gland, thus downgrading seemingly important traits such as personality, humanity, and intelligence.  It’s no wonder we’ve ended up with a Donald Trump as president.  Most people are not introspective, but shallow, vapid, and self-absorbed.

This is bad news for me, since at 57 I’m not going to get any taller.  In fact, I’m shrinking!

Image result for the incredible shrinking man

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Work hard, play hard

Posted by keithosaunders on January 9, 2018

Happy New Year everybody!  The statute of limitations on New Years salutations, according to my watch,  has not yet expired.  That would be January 15th, OK?  If you’re still wishing people a happy new year on Martin Luther King Day then I’m going to have to have a talk with you.

I have been faithfully plodding along on Tinder, but truthfully I have almost zero interest in dating.  I feel like I’ve been getting things done musically, what with all of my increased time for practice.  The thought of having to go through first date exposition is too daunting to deal with.  I would have to prepare as if I’m taking an SAT.  Who has that kind of time and energy?

I still peruse dating profiles, however, and I have noticed a couple of tropes that I would like to comment on.  (I mean besides the preponderance of photos in scuba regalia.)

I had no idea that there were that many women criminals on Tinder.  I would estimate that 1/3 of the profiles I read state that [she] is looking for a partner in crime.  Since I’m not into crime I usually swipe left.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that many many women not only work hard, but play hard as well.  The thing is, I’m an adult.  I put away my Twister and silly putty years ago! I suppose you could talk me into playing a game of Monopoly or Scrabble but how hard can you play those games?  Do I need to take steroids to up my level of intensity?  YESSSSSSSSS, BOARDWALK!  IN YOUR FACE, LADY. 

Image result for playing monopoly on steroids

 

 

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Happy Thanksgiving

Posted by keithosaunders on November 23, 2017

Well, folks, Thanksgiving is upon us.  It is little secret the traditional Thanksgiving foods are among the most overrated of all all time.  There’s a reason we don’t eat stuffing and cranberry sauce year round.  Stuffing tastes like cardboard and cranberry sauce is an assault to the taste buds.  Sweet potatoes?  Meh. The turkey, a dry, unwieldy bird, tastes good for three bites or so before the tryptophan kicks in and then it’s goodnight the lights.  The white meat tastes like paper so you’d better get a good place in line to snag one of the two drumsticks.

Enjoy!

 

Image result for turkey

 

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The exposition

Posted by keithosaunders on November 5, 2017

The hardest part of dating as a middle aged man, and the main reason I am not enthusiastic about dating, is the amount of exposition that goes into the first date.  It’s exhausting having to recount my life’s story with all of its layers and complexities. First of all, the breakup with my ex-wife doesn’t have a good narrative.  It would be one thing if one of us cheated or embezzled – now that’s a juicy breakup.  But no, we just grew slowly apart, split up, and remained good friends.

Then there is the career.  Yes, playing piano is my job, no I do not make tons of money, yes I’m talented, (you have to say you’re talented so she doesn’t think you’re a schlub, but you run the risk of coming off as arrogant) no, it’s not glamorous, yes I sometimes play gigs I don’t want to play.  Oh, and by the way, I work nights, often 6 or 7 a week, and I always work on New Years Eve.

What a catch!

 

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The dating blues

Posted by keithosaunders on October 31, 2017

I began to gig in jazz clubs in my late teens back when I lived in Los Angeles.  I had decided to eschew college in pursuit of a career as a jazz musician – a decision that has netted me upwards of hundreds, if not thousands of dollars.  I was having a great time practicing 5-6 hours during the day and gigging at night.

One unfortunate byproduct of this situation was that I was invariably the youngest person in the club by over ten years.  Not being in the cocoon of college made it difficult to find a girl close to my age to date.  Where was Tinder when I needed it?!

Fast forward 40 years and all of the practice paid off.  I’m gigging most nights, and I play at an extremely high level.  However I’m now often the oldest person in the club by over 15 years.  Somewhere up in heaven Rod Serling is having a good laugh.

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Not here for the hookups

Posted by keithosaunders on July 31, 2017

One thing that soon becomes clear while browsing on Tinder is that many, many middle-aged women are not there for the hookups.  I have a problem with that.

It’s that I’m only on Tinder for the hookup.  I am hopeful that I will eventually meet someone, fall in love, and have a long term relationship.  But here’s the thing:  If you go on a date knowing there is zero chance of a sex, you’re removing much of the electricity that comes with that possibility.  Without sexual tension you may as well be hanging out with friends.

Plus, I don’t believe it in setting such rules and boundaries.  We’re adults, and we’ve been adults for decades.  If there is mutual attraction we can handle a spontaneous romp.  Hell, we’ve earned it!

I am hereby swiping left on anyone’s profile that states, ‘no hookups.’ (Unless they say they like Bud Powell.)

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Swiping left

Posted by keithosaunders on July 25, 2017

Today, while perusing potential Tinder matches, I came across an uber-lady.  She’s into beach volleyball , snowboarding, hiking, water skiing, and she’s been to 70 countries!  She caps off her profile with this old chestnut:  I’m looking for someone who can keep up.

*swipes left.*

It’s not the first time I’ve read this line – it’s hardly original – but each time I see it it inspires a new wave of antipathy.

That’s her criteria?  Not intelligence, warmth, humor, introspection, but somebody who can keep pace with her daily round of incessant activities.

I’ll pass.

 

 

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Online dating favors the illiterate

Posted by keithosaunders on June 13, 2017

Dating in the internet age is easy, especially if you are young and reasonably good looking.  All you need do is swipe a few times, match with someone who strikes your fancy, and away you go.  In the old days you would have to meet someone, strike up a conversation, and get to know each other before getting up the nerve to go on a date.

I was a short, introverted guy as a teenager and young adult.  I was a jazz musician playing in bars where most people were 10 to 20 years my senior.  I wasn’t in college, consequently I had a hard time meeting women to go out with.

When personal ads became trendy, sometime in the early to mid 80s, I felt that the playing field had somewhat evened out.  Here I could express myself with the written word, alleviating the sometimes painful and awkward step of introducing myself at a bar or party.

Now, with swipe technology, the field has reversed itself.  Once again cosmetics rule the day.  Needless to say, this is bad news for the middle-aged man!

I read an interesting and troubling article in Vanity Fair detailing the current hookup culture prevalent among 20 and 30 somethings.  As a father of a teenage daughter it was disconcerting to say the least.  Some of the men interviewed bragged about sleeping with hundreds of women per year.  For them it’s not a question of if they’re going to hook up, but rather if they feel like it.

It’s horrifying to read about what the women go through.  They are inundated with ‘dick pics’ and what written text they receive does not go far beyond, ‘Can I come over in 20 minutes?’  One man managed to hook up without even typing any words — he sent emojis.

I’ll have more to say about this later.  It’s time to practice the piano.

 

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