The World According to Keitho

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Archive for the ‘life’ Category

Whilst

Posted by keithosaunders on March 28, 2017

Let me tell you something, if you write ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while’ in your post, and you’re not British,  then your internet privileges should be revoked. FORTHWITH. Just what kind of airs are you putting on with that garbage word? You think you’re so sophisticated? Well you’re not!

If you are the kind of person that says whilst, then you can take that man-bun of yours, stick the point into a wall socket, and we can all enjoy a good snuff film.

(Unless you’re the man-bun guy from last Club Deluxe last Tuesday.  I’m kind of afraid of him)

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Fire chicken

Posted by keithosaunders on February 24, 2017

A few days ago I went out to a Japanese ramen restaurant with my ex-wife and son.  I perused the menu looking for an interesting soup, but most of the soups seemed too bland.  Finally I noticed a soup called fire chicken and decided to try it.

When I ordered the soup the waitress asked me, “what level?” I hadn’t noticed levels but when I looked back at the menu, sure enough there were five levels – 2, 4, 6, 8, & 10. (I don’t know what happened to the odd numbers)

I didn’t want to be one of those wimpy Americans with a fear of spicy foods so I opted for a level six.  The waitress looked down at me and with a stern voice informed me, “Most people order level two.”  I downgraded to a 4.

When the soup arrived things did not bode well.  First of all, the broth was an unnatural shade of red; a shade not found in nature.  It was a bright crimson, like the color of Ohio State’s uniforms.

When I tried it my eyes immediately began gushing tears and I coughed as if I had just taken a puff of my first cigarette.  I broke out in dry heaves and my hair fell out in clumps.  But it actually tasted pretty good if you ignored the ancillary effects.

But this begs the question: What is a level 10 and who are the humans that can ingest it?

Image result for fire chicken soup

 

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Happy National Gorilla Suit Day!

Posted by keithosaunders on January 31, 2017

This is actually a real thing, created by Mad magazine artist, Don Martin. Each year my buddy from New York – sax player extraordinaire and general bon vivant, John Tendy – and his friend, Dan DiPaolo,  produce a video extravaganza to be released on January 31st.

Every year the production values increase as Dan and John strive to bring you the utmost in quality content.  You can search some of their previous years efforts on youtube under Ibar Fridays or National Gorilla Suit Day.

 

Enjoy, and remember…stay safe!

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Vestibules now!

Posted by keithosaunders on January 3, 2017

Image may contain: 4 people, people sitting and night

Folks, here is concrete photographic evidence of a clear and present danger in the Bay Area: An alarming lack of vestibules.

When people observe jazz in their overcoats they are not enjoying the music – they are counting the minutes until they can be reunited with their heater. Head colds and gig-related illnesses are predicted to spike in future years.

Stop the madness. #vestibulesnow!

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2016: The worst meme ever

Posted by keithosaunders on December 28, 2016

The latest sickening internet trend is the conceit that a random grouping of 365 days is a sentient being.  This is especially true on Twitter where people are trying to one up each other for the whiniest tweet.  Here’s an example:

So so sad to hear about the death of Carrie Fisher. 2016 has taught us one hell of a lesson.. don’t take anyone for granted! Hurry up 2017!!

I guarantee you I can pick any year and find just as many celebrities that died. Here is a list of notable deaths in 1955:

Albert Einstein, James Agee, James Dean, and most tragically, Shemp Howard of the Three Stooges.

Charlie Parker died in 1955. Bam. 1955 is exponentially worse than 2016.

Again, it’s all about the humblebrag. RIPing  Prince, Carrie Fisher, or ________________________ makes you seem like a sensitive individual, but the effect is to draw attention towards yourself and away from the deceased.

There is nothing new about the  gratuitous social media RIP, but this year came with a new wrinkle:  The anthropomorphism of 2016.  As if a year is a sentient being and that somehow 2017 will be more benevolent.

If I might offer a suggestion, try a different calendar. Why not go by the Chinese calendar? Or give the Jewish calendar a shot. Or the Mayan. It couldn’t hurt.

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The dating pool

Posted by keithosaunders on November 22, 2016

Well folks, I’m recently single.  Again.  I had a girlfriend for four years, but, as fate would have it, we broke up.  Now I’m out here in the wild and let me tell you something, it’s rough.

First of all I’m old as fuck – 56.  This is a weird age.  People 10 years younger look a lot younger and people 10 years older look a lot older.  Over half of the people are married and another quarter of them are in committed relationships.  That leaves 25%.

Then you have to account for the fact that although society has evolved throughout the years in many ways, women will not, for the most part, date men that are shorter than them.  I can’t tell you how many profiles I’ve seen that specify, I’m 5’8, please be taller than me.

But here’s the thing:  I could understand if you would want someone to be the exact same height as you so that when you make love you can kiss easily.  But taller, shorter, what’s the difference?!  You’re going to be askew either way.  Love making takes some finagling – that’s the fun of it!

Think about it:  Tall guys have an exponentially greater dating pool to choose from.  They can date short women, yet short guys can’t date tall women.  On the other hand, tall women must have a smaller dating pool.  But who cares, I’m not a woman.

So forget income inequality, the real travesty is dating inequality!

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Never forget

Posted by keithosaunders on September 12, 2016

The most depressing two words in the English language are never forget. It’s like a mantra used by small-minded people who thirst for revenge.

Yes, September 11th, 2001 was the worst day in the history of the United States. What was worse than the attacks, however, was our response to them.  We had the world’s sympathy and support and we chose to respond like animals, waging war and murdering hundreds of thousands of people. That’s what I’ll never forget.

What does never forget imply?  What, ostensibly, are we not forgetting?  That people from the Middle-East planned and executed the attacks.  In other words, never forget is a catch phrase enabling xenophobia and racism.   The end result:  The cesspool that is the Trump campaign.

So I’m not forgetting.  I’m not forgetting that we live in a racist country filled with bible-toting freaks who, unlike Jesus, are anything but forgiving.

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Fight the power

Posted by keithosaunders on September 4, 2016

People we stand on the precipice of a slippery slope: Adult connect the dots books have arrived and the world is a scarier place.

Are we going to allow ourselves to be infantilized by Big Coloring Book ™ or are we going to dig deep and find the resolve to act like adults?

 

 

 

 

 

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56 is the new 55

Posted by keithosaunders on August 24, 2016

Tomorrow a momentous event is occurring:  I’m celebrating it with two gigs, which is actually how I would be spending the day even if it wasn’t an anniversary of my birth.

I’m not one of those who shy away form celebrating his birthday.  While it’s true I am now one year more removed from the salad days of my 20s and one step closer to the grave, there is an important facet of the birthday not to be overlooked:  Presents.

Folks you have to milk it.  Need a new shirt?  A new set of linen?  A beer?  A chocolate cake? Strike a pose and drop a hint.  It’s go time!

Now right about now, you’re probably wondering, ‘How can I, the mere blog-reader, contribute to Keitho’s birthday celebration?‘ Well I’m glad you asked.

Go to this link:  www.keithospresent.kickstarter.com

And remember, linen always makes a great gift.

 

Wayne Shorter was born on August 25th too, as well as Leonard Bernstein, Rollie Fingers and Fred Frink.  (a baseball player form the 20s)

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Pokemon Go-time

Posted by keithosaunders on July 18, 2016

squirtel

I have to say that this Pokemon Go game is really dangerous. Why, I was just playing it the other day when… [Flashback music]

I’m driving to the post office when I hear a beeping coming from my phone…a Charizard! I spring into action. I’m driving into oncoming traffic, onto the sidewalk, just missing pedestrians, and I end up crashing into the dry cleaner’s window.

The next day I’m playing the ap and all of a sudden I find myself in the ladies room. Of course everybody starts screaming, “What the hell are you doing in here, you sicko?  Get Out!”

“But there’s a Squirtel…”

“WHERE?!”

Everyone whips out their phones until we discover him cowering by the XLerator.

I’m really going to have to delete this thing. It’s just not saf…WAIT! There’s one by the PGE transfer station… To the Pokemobile!

 

 

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