The World According to Keitho

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Archive for the ‘life’ Category

The Tinder follies

Posted by keithosaunders on May 1, 2017

Yes, I admit it.  I’m a man in his 50s who is on Tinder. WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!   I’ve actually been on a couple of Tinder dates, and while they haven’t yet led to a relationship, they were good experiences.

I’ve noticed a similarity in many of the profiles that I view.  In regards to photos, people seem to check off certain boxes.  For instance, I am surprised at how many photos I see of women scuba diving.  Really?  Is scuba diving a thing?  I’m thinking that it must signify wealth and health.  I’m sure it’s not cheap, and you must have to be in some kind of shape to deal with it.

So you have the scuba photos, and these are almost always accompanied by photos in ski gear, as well as beach photos.  Throw in a photo with your pet, and one of you standing in front of some corporate logo at a swanky affair and you’ve got yourself a Tinder profile.

Needless to say I’m not into scuba and skiing and the photos of me sitting behind a piano do not seem to be capturing the imagination of a nation, so I gave a friend who is good with photoshop, an assignment.  Here is his first effort.  I expect that my social calendar will soon be filled to the brim.

 

scuba keith

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Looking after my brand

Posted by keithosaunders on April 14, 2017

Much to my dismay the United airlines story has been bumped from the news due to the latest flurry of Trump douchery.   I was hoping for at least a three day run of think pieces, threatened lawsuits, and irate comments.

But no.

I began wondering what I would have done in the same situation and this little fantasy ensued:

Picture me flat on my back being dragged down the airplane aisle towards the exit by jackbooted thug cops.  My forehead gushes blood and I am nearly hysterical.  YET…I notice all of the puke-faced millennials recording me on their smart phones and I have the presence of mind to call out, “www.keithosaunders.coooooommmmmm!   Do A GOOGLE SEARCH FOR THE WORLD ACCORDING TO KEITTTTTHHHHHO…LEAVE A COMMENNNNNNTTTTTT…”

 

 

 

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The jackbooted thugs of United Airlines

Posted by keithosaunders on April 10, 2017

You would think that by now that the frustration and degradation levels of airline travel would have peaked and nothing they could do would be able to repel is any further.

Wrong.

Today United Airlines, because they were overbooked, forcibly ejected a paying customer, bloodying his head in the process.  This was to make room for a United employee.  The man, a doctor, refused to relinquish his seat so the crew called in a policeman who dragged him off the flight.

There was video of the ejection (Of course:  Puke-faced millennials video everything) and the story has blown up on Twitter, eliciting a boycott United movement.

But here’s the thing:  United isn’t doing anything that any other American-based airline would do.  In the aftermath of the September 11th, 2001 attacks flying has systematically become more and more of an ordeal in which passengers are considered criminals until proven otherwise.

I am here to say that it isn’t United that we should be boycotting, but the entire airline industry.  Unless you have to fly somewhere on business, you know what?  Stay home.

If you live on one of the coasts and want to take a vacation then get in your car and drive to a beach town or some nearby mountains.  There are a myriad of good vacation spots within driving distance.  If you’re in the middle of the country I’m sure there are plenty of places you can get to.  You’ll save money and your dignity.

You’re probably going to tell me that you have to take the kids to see grandma.   I say have grandma come to you.  That way the airlines get only get one fare instead of four or five.  Here’s an idea:  Have grandma move closer to her grand kids.

Enough is enough.

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Long live the laundromat

Posted by keithosaunders on April 1, 2017

I love doing laundry.  There, I’ve said it.  But what’s more, I love the laundromat.  Even the name, which evokes images of the 1950s, is cool.

I’ve got a good one that is five minutes from  my apartment.  The change machine always works.  I have to say that change machine technology has improved over the past decade.  My crinkled ones almost never get spit back out anymore.  I love that the change machine is the most advanced tech in the place.  The machines are all still coin operated — like the 50s!

I have my routine.  During the wash cycle I run errands.  Usually I’ll dash to the market for some speed shopping.  Then it’s back to the ‘mat’ to put my clothes into the dryer. While my clothes are drying (only 40 minutes!) I run back to my apartment for some lunch.  Then it’s back to the mat.  Fold, load, return to my apartment, and put the laundry away.  Binc, binc, binc, binc.

It’s not that expensive.  The entire process costs around $10.00.  I ask you, where can you have that much fun with your clothes on?

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Whilst

Posted by keithosaunders on March 28, 2017

Let me tell you something, if you write ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while’ in your post, and you’re not British,  then your internet privileges should be revoked. FORTHWITH. Just what kind of airs are you putting on with that garbage word? You think you’re so sophisticated? Well you’re not!

If you are the kind of person that says whilst, then you can take that man-bun of yours, stick the point into a wall socket, and we can all enjoy a good snuff film.

(Unless you’re the man-bun guy from last Club Deluxe last Tuesday.  I’m kind of afraid of him)

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Fire chicken

Posted by keithosaunders on February 24, 2017

A few days ago I went out to a Japanese ramen restaurant with my ex-wife and son.  I perused the menu looking for an interesting soup, but most of the soups seemed too bland.  Finally I noticed a soup called fire chicken and decided to try it.

When I ordered the soup the waitress asked me, “what level?” I hadn’t noticed levels but when I looked back at the menu, sure enough there were five levels – 2, 4, 6, 8, & 10. (I don’t know what happened to the odd numbers)

I didn’t want to be one of those wimpy Americans with a fear of spicy foods so I opted for a level six.  The waitress looked down at me and with a stern voice informed me, “Most people order level two.”  I downgraded to a 4.

When the soup arrived things did not bode well.  First of all, the broth was an unnatural shade of red; a shade not found in nature.  It was a bright crimson, like the color of Ohio State’s uniforms.

When I tried it my eyes immediately began gushing tears and I coughed as if I had just taken a puff of my first cigarette.  I broke out in dry heaves and my hair fell out in clumps.  But it actually tasted pretty good if you ignored the ancillary effects.

But this begs the question: What is a level 10 and who are the humans that can ingest it?

Image result for fire chicken soup

 

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Happy National Gorilla Suit Day!

Posted by keithosaunders on January 31, 2017

This is actually a real thing, created by Mad magazine artist, Don Martin. Each year my buddy from New York – sax player extraordinaire and general bon vivant, John Tendy – and his friend, Dan DiPaolo,  produce a video extravaganza to be released on January 31st.

Every year the production values increase as Dan and John strive to bring you the utmost in quality content.  You can search some of their previous years efforts on youtube under Ibar Fridays or National Gorilla Suit Day.

 

Enjoy, and remember…stay safe!

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Vestibules now!

Posted by keithosaunders on January 3, 2017

Image may contain: 4 people, people sitting and night

Folks, here is concrete photographic evidence of a clear and present danger in the Bay Area: An alarming lack of vestibules.

When people observe jazz in their overcoats they are not enjoying the music – they are counting the minutes until they can be reunited with their heater. Head colds and gig-related illnesses are predicted to spike in future years.

Stop the madness. #vestibulesnow!

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2016: The worst meme ever

Posted by keithosaunders on December 28, 2016

The latest sickening internet trend is the conceit that a random grouping of 365 days is a sentient being.  This is especially true on Twitter where people are trying to one up each other for the whiniest tweet.  Here’s an example:

So so sad to hear about the death of Carrie Fisher. 2016 has taught us one hell of a lesson.. don’t take anyone for granted! Hurry up 2017!!

I guarantee you I can pick any year and find just as many celebrities that died. Here is a list of notable deaths in 1955:

Albert Einstein, James Agee, James Dean, and most tragically, Shemp Howard of the Three Stooges.

Charlie Parker died in 1955. Bam. 1955 is exponentially worse than 2016.

Again, it’s all about the humblebrag. RIPing  Prince, Carrie Fisher, or ________________________ makes you seem like a sensitive individual, but the effect is to draw attention towards yourself and away from the deceased.

There is nothing new about the  gratuitous social media RIP, but this year came with a new wrinkle:  The anthropomorphism of 2016.  As if a year is a sentient being and that somehow 2017 will be more benevolent.

If I might offer a suggestion, try a different calendar. Why not go by the Chinese calendar? Or give the Jewish calendar a shot. Or the Mayan. It couldn’t hurt.

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The dating pool

Posted by keithosaunders on November 22, 2016

Well folks, I’m recently single.  Again.  I had a girlfriend for four years, but, as fate would have it, we broke up.  Now I’m out here in the wild and let me tell you something, it’s rough.

First of all I’m old as fuck – 56.  This is a weird age.  People 10 years younger look a lot younger and people 10 years older look a lot older.  Over half of the people are married and another quarter of them are in committed relationships.  That leaves 25%.

Then you have to account for the fact that although society has evolved throughout the years in many ways, women will not, for the most part, date men that are shorter than them.  I can’t tell you how many profiles I’ve seen that specify, I’m 5’8, please be taller than me.

But here’s the thing:  I could understand if you would want someone to be the exact same height as you so that when you make love you can kiss easily.  But taller, shorter, what’s the difference?!  You’re going to be askew either way.  Love making takes some finagling – that’s the fun of it!

Think about it:  Tall guys have an exponentially greater dating pool to choose from.  They can date short women, yet short guys can’t date tall women.  On the other hand, tall women must have a smaller dating pool.  But who cares, I’m not a woman.

So forget income inequality, the real travesty is dating inequality!

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