The World According to Keitho

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Bait and switch

Posted by keithosaunders on May 10, 2017

What else is there to say?  Damning testimony from Sally Yates reveals that Donald Trump was advised by Barack Obama not to hire Michael Flynn for NSA?  That’s OK,  just change the conversation by firing James Comey.  The administration is saying that Comey was fired over his handling of Hillary Clinton’s emails but that’s such a bald face lie I’m surprised that NPR reporters can keep a straight face while delivering the news.

The thing that confounds me is how difficult it is to discern whether the Trump people are really this incompetent, or if this all misdirection.  And does it even matter?  It appears that whatever was done to pave the way for these oligarchs was done long ago behind closed doors.  Was it Putin, the Heritage Foundation,  or a third party that we haven’t even heard of?  It hardly matters.  We’re in it now.

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The Normalization

Posted by keithosaunders on May 4, 2017

This would be good horror movie title if we weren’t already living it.

THE NORMALIZATION!

One of the most confounding things about the Trump presidency is that a man who is uneducated and unqualified for his job is being taken seriously.

For instance, NPR news anchors thoroughly analyze Trump’s tweets, as if they are substantive, instead of the the knee-jerk rantings of an unstable personality.

Here’s Trump on Sirius radio in full-on historian mode:

I mean had Andrew Jackson been a little later you wouldn’t have had the Civil War. He was a very tough person but he had a big heart. He was really angry that he saw what was happening with regard to the Civil War, he said “There’s no reason for this.” People don’t realize, you know, the Civil War, if you think about it, why? People don’t ask that question, but why was there the Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?

It’s unclear as to whether or not Trump knew that Jackson had died before the start of the war, but my money is on no.

The next day he took to Twitter to clarify:

President Andrew Jackson, who died 16 years before the Civil War started, saw it coming and was angry. Would never have let it happen!

From his mouth to God’s ears.

Now let’s go to the pundits for some crack analysis.  NPR.com wrote,

This much is true: Andrew Jackson, who was president from 1829-1837, helped to avert a plausible civil war, generations before the actual one. In the 1830’s, South Carolina insisted on its right to nullify, or ignore, federal law. The South Carolinians objected to taxes — federal tariffs on the imported goods they were buying from Europe.

Jackson insisted that federal law reigned supreme. Through a carefully calibrated mixture of threats (a warship actually appeared in the harbor at Charleston, ready to open fire if need be) and compromises…

Yadda, yadda, yadda…

Yes, this is good knowledge, and I enjoy reading history as much as the next guy, but let’s be real here – Trump was not trying to delve into a deep historical discussion.  He’s like a guy at a bar dogmatically asserting facts that have no basis in reality.

I wish I were a pundit.  If somebody asked me what I thought Trump meant by ‘the Civil War being avoided if Andrew Jackson had been president,’ pundit Keitho would have responded, Trump is a moron.

 

Image result for goofy trump photo

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The Tinder follies

Posted by keithosaunders on May 1, 2017

Yes, I admit it.  I’m a man in his 50s who is on Tinder. WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!   I’ve actually been on a couple of Tinder dates, and while they haven’t yet led to a relationship, they were good experiences.

I’ve noticed a similarity in many of the profiles that I view.  In regards to photos, people seem to check off certain boxes.  For instance, I am surprised at how many photos I see of women scuba diving.  Really?  Is scuba diving a thing?  I’m thinking that it must signify wealth and health.  I’m sure it’s not cheap, and you must have to be in some kind of shape to deal with it.

So you have the scuba photos, and these are almost always accompanied by photos in ski gear, as well as beach photos.  Throw in a photo with your pet, and one of you standing in front of some corporate logo at a swanky affair and you’ve got yourself a Tinder profile.

Needless to say I’m not into scuba and skiing and the photos of me sitting behind a piano do not seem to be capturing the imagination of a nation, so I gave a friend who is good with photoshop, an assignment.  Here is his first effort.  I expect that my social calendar will soon be filled to the brim.

 

scuba keith

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The first 100 days fetish

Posted by keithosaunders on April 29, 2017

The media, as well as social media, is all atwitter (if you’ll pardon the expression) over the first 100 days of the Trump presidency.  All of a sudden this artificial benchmark of success has taken the nation by storm, dominating the news cycle.  I counted no less than four first 100 days of presidency articles in today’s Times.

Can I say something?  WHO CARES!  Look, we know this presidency is an abomination – a tumor on an already reeling American body – but we don’t need a random number of days to tell us this.  We could have made this assessment on the 20th day, or even the 7th, if we weren’t so in love with a number that divides by 10.

And while I’m at it, how magical is the number 100?  There is seemingly nothing that it can’t do.  It can determine when a pitcher runs out of gas, as well as if a presidency is a success or failure.  I wonder if it can also core a apple?

 

What, me, worry?

Image result for goofy trump photo

 

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A terrible week for the NY Times

Posted by keithosaunders on April 24, 2017

What a terrible week last week was for the NY Times. First they had a article about how being a part of the Trump administration is helping Ivanka’s brand. You might say, that’s hard hitting news, uncovering a fresh scandal. You would be wrong. It’s simply the Times being the Times, fawning and deferring to the lifestyles of the rich and famous.

Now check out last Thursday’s juicy headline:

“Obama’s silence to end, but he won’t criticize Trump.”

What’s he going to talk about, rainbows & unicorns? Who the hell cares what he has to say when his replacement is one tweet away from starting WWIII?!

And finally, on Friday,, the Gray Lady went deep with a 4,000 word article about why James Comey investigated Hillary’s emails, while not releasing to the public the information that he was simultaneously investigating the Russian hacking. Not only was the article dull as dishwater, but it wasn’t news. That’s 10 minutes of work on my fantasy baseball team that I’ll never get back.

Thanks, Times, keep twisting the knife. I’ll be over here listening to Wynton Kelly.

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The bullpens are out of control

Posted by keithosaunders on April 19, 2017

Baseball these days is almost unwatchable.  Without a device that can skip through commercials you’re watching drama on a par with paint drying.  The only time I can watch a game in real time is when I have it on in the background while I’m practicing,  or when I’m eating.  Thanks to a revolving door of relief pitchers from the 6th inning on, the game has slowed to a crawl.  Throw in a few booth reviews and the snail-like pace of most pitchers and hitters and you’ve got yourself a cheap sedative.

What is it with these corporate push-button managers?  They’ve got bullpens, often eight deep, stacked with loutish buffoons, each one throwing in the high 90s.  Yet these pampered gorillas are seemingly incapable of throwing more than one inning at a time.

Then you’ve got the delicate genius managers in the mold of Tony La Russa, such as Cubs manager, Joe Maddon, and Cardinals skipper, Mike Matheny, who mix and match righties and lefties until you want to throw a shoe at the screen.  God forbid these guys ever get into a marathon 20 inning game, they’ll have to forfeit when they run out of players.

 

Delicate genius

Image result for Tony Larussa

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Looking after my brand

Posted by keithosaunders on April 14, 2017

Much to my dismay the United airlines story has been bumped from the news due to the latest flurry of Trump douchery.   I was hoping for at least a three day run of think pieces, threatened lawsuits, and irate comments.

But no.

I began wondering what I would have done in the same situation and this little fantasy ensued:

Picture me flat on my back being dragged down the airplane aisle towards the exit by jackbooted thug cops.  My forehead gushes blood and I am nearly hysterical.  YET…I notice all of the puke-faced millennials recording me on their smart phones and I have the presence of mind to call out, “www.keithosaunders.coooooommmmmm!   Do A GOOGLE SEARCH FOR THE WORLD ACCORDING TO KEITTTTTHHHHHO…LEAVE A COMMENNNNNNTTTTTT…”

 

 

 

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The jackbooted thugs of United Airlines

Posted by keithosaunders on April 10, 2017

You would think that by now that the frustration and degradation levels of airline travel would have peaked and nothing they could do would be able to repel is any further.

Wrong.

Today United Airlines, because they were overbooked, forcibly ejected a paying customer, bloodying his head in the process.  This was to make room for a United employee.  The man, a doctor, refused to relinquish his seat so the crew called in a policeman who dragged him off the flight.

There was video of the ejection (Of course:  Puke-faced millennials video everything) and the story has blown up on Twitter, eliciting a boycott United movement.

But here’s the thing:  United isn’t doing anything that any other American-based airline would do.  In the aftermath of the September 11th, 2001 attacks flying has systematically become more and more of an ordeal in which passengers are considered criminals until proven otherwise.

I am here to say that it isn’t United that we should be boycotting, but the entire airline industry.  Unless you have to fly somewhere on business, you know what?  Stay home.

If you live on one of the coasts and want to take a vacation then get in your car and drive to a beach town or some nearby mountains.  There are a myriad of good vacation spots within driving distance.  If you’re in the middle of the country I’m sure there are plenty of places you can get to.  You’ll save money and your dignity.

You’re probably going to tell me that you have to take the kids to see grandma.   I say have grandma come to you.  That way the airlines get only get one fare instead of four or five.  Here’s an idea:  Have grandma move closer to her grand kids.

Enough is enough.

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Let the intentional walking begin

Posted by keithosaunders on April 2, 2017

Baseball games are really going to fly by now.  Forget the fact that every single close play at first base warrants a three minutes review, intentional walks are now automatic!  Now that’s progress.

This year, rather than a normal baseball prediction post, I’m going to present a baseball soulful (wishful thinking) prediction post.

In the NL East the Mets, flush with pitching, Cespedes, and just enough hitting, will dominate and cruise to their third ever World Series victory.

In the NL Central the Cubs will revert to form and miss the playoffs – the first of 110 more years without a championship. The Pittsburgh Pirates will win the division with the Brewers taking the wild card.

In the NL West, having lost track of whether or not they’re supposed to win in an odd year, the Giants will begin 166 straight years of last place finishes.  The Dodgers will win the west, losing to the Mets in the NLCS.

Moving along to the junior circuit, in the AL West we have my dark horse prediction:  My East Bay homies, the Oakland As will shock the world!  You read it here first.

In the AL Central the Detroit Tigers will win the division, as well as the pennant before losing to the Mets in a 6 game World Series.

In the Al East the Yankees will go 6-156.  The Bluejays will win the division and Joey Batista will set an MLB record with double digit bat flips.  Baltimore gets the wild card.

There you have it:  Major League Baseball according to Keitho.

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Long live the laundromat

Posted by keithosaunders on April 1, 2017

I love doing laundry.  There, I’ve said it.  But what’s more, I love the laundromat.  Even the name, which evokes images of the 1950s, is cool.

I’ve got a good one that is five minutes from  my apartment.  The change machine always works.  I have to say that change machine technology has improved over the past decade.  My crinkled ones almost never get spit back out anymore.  I love that the change machine is the most advanced tech in the place.  The machines are all still coin operated — like the 50s!

I have my routine.  During the wash cycle I run errands.  Usually I’ll dash to the market for some speed shopping.  Then it’s back to the ‘mat’ to put my clothes into the dryer. While my clothes are drying (only 40 minutes!) I run back to my apartment for some lunch.  Then it’s back to the mat.  Fold, load, return to my apartment, and put the laundry away.  Binc, binc, binc, binc.

It’s not that expensive.  The entire process costs around $10.00.  I ask you, where can you have that much fun with your clothes on?

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