The World According to Keitho

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Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’

My Christmas Hate Post

Posted by keithosaunders on December 23, 2015

Some people send Christmas cards, I write Christmas hate posts.


When I was a boy I believed in Santa Clause. Then one day, when I was 9, I found out he wasn’t real. Oh, I thought, the world is based on a lie. Santa did not, in fact, create the earth in 6 days. Global warming is a hoax, 9/11 and the moon landing were staged, and vaccination causes blindness.

Let me tell you something, people, you’re getting all cheery-eyed, and spending willy-nilly, driving in traffic while singing your Burl Ives at the top of your lungs. WELL STOP. Have a holly jolly MY ASS!!

You want to take a trip? You want to take a trip? Oh boy, let’s all go to the airport.  That full cavity search sure goes down smoothly when the TSA agent wears a Santa hat!

And now that you’ve spent 12 hours travelling 200 miles you can have your family gathering. Commence humble-bragging in 3…2…1 GO! Oh look, Uncle Steve went too heavy on the nog and now he’s lecturing us on the gold standard!

The only thing good about the holiday season – THE ONLY THING – is figgy pudding. Where’s my figgy pudding?! Where is it?!



Posted in life, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

A lull in the sports world

Posted by keithosaunders on December 18, 2015

This is a terrible sports time of year but it’s not the worst — that dishonor belongs to February with its glut of meaningless NBA, NHL, & NCAA basketball games. Still, this is pretty bad.  The NFL playoffs are a month away and the bowl season, if you care about that sort of thing, won’t kick in for another two weeks.

Here in the Bay Area we had the Warriors winning streak to follow which was exciting.  How strange it was to care about basketball in November. Now that they’ve finally lost, their next meaningful game will be in April.

The worst thing about November through January is being bombarded with baseball player signing news.  This is the time of year where I learn that Jason Heyward, a pretty good, but not great player, will earn more in one at bat then I will in a year.  It’s out of control.  I get it – it’s nothing new –  supply and demand, free market, yadda yadda.  It’s just that I would rather not hear and read about salaries at all.  It takes me until June or July, when the pennant races begin heating up, to get the taste out of my mouth.

Not only is the baseball news a capitalist sack of you know what, the local football teams stink this year.  While the Raiders are much improved and are still mathematically alive, the 49ers are a stinking mess.

What else do I have to complain about?  Oh yeah, I haven’t done my Christmas shopping.


Posted in baseball, basketball, football, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Humble-bragging of the rich and famous

Posted by keithosaunders on December 2, 2015

Greetings from Paris, 

With warm Holiday Wishes to you and yours. Should we still be in New York, we would certainly attend your consistently enjoyable celebration.

We have moved our home fires to the City of Light and are purchasing a wonderful corner apartment, on the oldest street in the city, with a view of Notre Dame.

Please be thoughtful enough to extend our best wishes to the kind staff who served us so well for so many years.

Merry Christmas to all of our friends at 69 [insert 5th or Park Ave address here]

File this email under ‘First world problems.’  This was an RSVP to an invitation to an annual work party.  It was probably only meant for the host but it ended up being cced to the entire mailing list.

The stakes of the one percent humble-brag are high, my friends.  I mean, how is one to top a corner apartment overlooking Notre Dame?  On the oldest street in the city!  We’re talking old money, here, not some trendy nouveau riche address in Bastille.

The cherry on top is how [they] ‘extend best wishes to the kind staff who served us so well for many years.’  How big of them!  I’m sure the staff will miss hearing about their winters in Palm Beach or their madcap skiing weekends in Aspen.

Someone shoot me now.

Posted in life, New York City, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments »

The war on the war on Christmas

Posted by keithosaunders on November 9, 2015


This is unbelievable.  People are up in arms because Starbucks came out with Christmas coffee cups without pictures of snowflakes or Santa.  REALLY?  The cups have the prerequisite red and green coloring.  What more do you need, baby Jesus drinking an egg nog latte?!  To tell you the truth I’m more offended that these cups get trotted out in early November. We haven’t even had our lousy Thanksgiving meal with all the overrated trimmings that go along with it. (There’s a reason we don’t eat stuffing and cranberry sauce year round)

I am not offended by the Christmas season and all the imagery and hooplah that comes along with it.  I likes me a Little Christmas Carol, Clydesdales tromping around a New England snowscape, and Norelco commercial with Santa riding the razor like a sled.  It’s good clean fun!  What I don’t need is pre-Halloween or Thanksgiving capitalistic Christmas hype.  And by the way, if we’re at War with Christmas then the months from January through October should be called The Christmas Armistice.  (tm)


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A Bronx Christmas, Pelham Parkway style.

Posted by keithosaunders on January 6, 2012

 Back in July I posted about a house in the Bronx on the service road of Pelham Parkway that goes crazy during the Christmas season utilizing every square inch of its lawn with Christmas decorations.  Hence its nickname:  The crazy house.   
I was in New York last week and I decided to revisit the crazy house and take some photos to put alongside the summer edition. 

These photos were taken a couple of days after New Years which is why the plastic was already on the figurines, but you’ll still see a good example of the lunacy that goes on for six weeks at the end each year.  Note the addition of Liberace at the piano.  He goes into hibernation during the summer months, but his piano remains on display.

July, 2011

January, 2012

July, 2011


January, 2012

And with this display of pageantry we bid a fond adieu to Christmas, 2012.

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The war on Christmas: The gift that keeps on giving!

Posted by keithosaunders on December 23, 2010

One of my favorite things about this time of year is the ongoing war on Christmas.  Like Iraq and Afghanistan, it is a war with no end in sight.  Like a Bill Clinton speech it goes on and on, causing both liberals and conservatives to collapse in an irate heap at the side of the yuletide road. 

I thought that the WOC had died down until I came across this peach of an article in the Washington Post.  To summarize, Nina Totenberg, a legal correspondent from NPR’s All Things Considered,  was appearing on a show called “Inside Washington.”  During a discussion about tax cuts she threw in an anecdote:

“I was at — forgive the expression – a Christmas party at the Department of Justice,” she said, going on to explain how guests there were worried about the impact of spending cuts.

This [almost apologetic] reference to Christmas was red meat for conservative pundits and bloggers.  It was gold, for Christ’s sake!  Oops…pardon the expression. 

Then, the backtracking!  Totenberg defended herself by saying how much she adored the Christmas holiday and that her usage of the term ‘pardon the expression’ was ironic — that she was tweaking the Department of Justice. 

Well isn’t that just meta.   How many layers of irony do we have to cut through to follow these shows?  Come on, Nina, why not come clean and admit that you are at war with Christmas.  And while I’m at it, why do you hate America?

I thought that the War on Christmas ™ was yesterday’s news.  Wasn’t it three or four years ago when Bill O’Reilly went on a rampage against the politically correct ‘Happy Holidays’ crowd?  Apparently I was wrong.  The shrapnel from the Totenberg incident is spreading far and wide across this great, yet divided nation.

Now for a surprise.  I am officially entering the war…on the side of Christmas!  You know what?  It’s not that big of a deal to say Merry Christmas.  First of all, it’s anything but a religious holiday — Madison Avenue saw to that many years ago.  That said, it’s not a bad thing to have a day of the year where families get together and eat like Romans.  What’s the harm?  There ‘s corny music, great food, and plenty of alcohol.  

I’m a Jew who is not offended by Christmas.  Maybe if the Maccabees had a little more personality we would be fighting the War on Hanukkah.  So I say to you all from my podium at World of Keitho, Merry Christmas to one and all!

Posted in life | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments »