The World According to Keitho

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Posts Tagged ‘hiking’

Swiping left

Posted by keithosaunders on July 25, 2017

Today, while perusing potential Tinder matches, I came across an uber-lady.  She’s into beach volleyball , snowboarding, hiking, water skiing, and she’s been to 70 countries!  She caps off her profile with this old chestnut:  I’m looking for someone who can keep up.

*swipes left.*

It’s not the first time I’ve read this line – it’s hardly original – but each time I see it it inspires a new wave of antipathy.

That’s her criteria?  Not intelligence, warmth, humor, introspection, but somebody who can keep pace with her daily round of incessant activities.

I’ll pass.

 

 

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The quick strike stealth insult

Posted by keithosaunders on May 30, 2016

Yesterday I went for a hike with my ex-wife and a friend of ours that we hadn’t seen in a while.  Shortly after we began the hike I received a text and when I went to check it the friend turned to me, “Oh, are you one of those people that can’t be without their cell phone?  My husband is like that.

Before I had a chance to respond she had already moved on to the next subject – quick as a flash!  If I had wanted to rebut her, i.e. state my case, or at least tell her what a douche she was, I would have had to circle back to the subject of texting which would have made me look like a defensive paranoiac.

So I sat there stewing not saying anything.  I have to admit, however, her hand was well played.  There is no defense against the stealth insult – it’s passive aggressiveness at its finest.  Think about it:  You don’t expect your friend to insult you, so the insult actually takes a few moments to land.  It’s like laying dynamite with a fuse.

In my Walter Mittyesque fantasies I possess a shock ray that automatically emanates from me upon insult, paralyzing its victim’s vocal chords.  I then proceed to list every single World Series going back to 1940, how many games it went, along with a running commentary on the highlights.

Now that’s a pleasant hike.

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Color me abashed

Posted by keithosaunders on January 22, 2016

And we’re back.

Listen, if you are someone who buys and uses adult coloring books let me tell you something, you’re a moron. I mean, what are you doing with your life? GROW UP. If you colored past the age of 11 you were unmercifully ridiculed and I’ve got news for you, the statute of limitations has not lapsed.

Now put down that pastel crayola, walk over to the mirror and look at yourself. LOOK AT YOURSELF. You’re a shell of a person. Get a hold of yourself, man. There are better ways to relax than painstakingly trying to stay inside the lines of a picture of a Tonka truck.

Look, maybe you’re bored, your life is a meaningless, vapid shell. I’ll allow for that. Here are some suggestions on how to spend your free time more productively.

1) Play tennis

2) Go hiking

3) Put on a Coltrane record and expose yourself to some culture.

4) Take up masturbation

Any of these choices will make you a more productive member of society than coloring.


Keith Saunders's photo.

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