Sapiosexual,sapioschmexual

Once again I am here to report on my continuing encounters with online dating.  Here in the Bay Area there are many phony baloney trends.  Some people are into ethical monogamy, which is basically cheating with a get-out-of-jail free card.  I’ve already touched on that wonderful institution, polyamory – Mormonism by another name.  The more girlfriends/boyfriends/wives/husbands, the merrier!

Today, however, I’m here to talk to you about another idiotic trend:  Sapiosexualality.  I would estimate that about one of every ten profiles I come across, the person identifies herself as a sapiosexual.

What is sapiosexuality, you ask?  Good question!  I had to look it up.

sa·pi·o·sex·u·al

ˌsāpēōˈsekSH(o͞o)əl/

adjective

1. 1.

   (of a person) finding intelligence sexually attractive or arousing.

   “I met a PhD student from Germany who told me that he was sapiosexual”

 

Please.  Don’t kid a kidder.  You and I both know that if we gathered 20 sapiosexuals in a room, brought in Albert Einstein (assuming we could reanimate him) and Leonardo DiCaprio, and asked the sapiosexuals to choose between the two for a sexcapade, 20 out of 20 are going with Leo.

Don’t give me this malarkey that it’s brains, not beef, that drives sexual appetites.  Identifying as a sapiosexual may make you appear to be a cutting edge hippy-dippy Bay Area player, but in the end you’re just another passive-aggressive, lightweight Californian.

Poly want a cracker?

But wait, folks, there’s more.  More Tinder follies!  Truthfully, I would ditch this app if it weren’t for the blog material it is giving me.

I matched with a woman named Katherine whose profile promised to “shower me with love and appreciation.”  She even made chicken soup for a former boyfriend even though she is a vegetarian.  She stated that she was interested in exploring committed polyamoras relationships.  (multiple partners at once)  Poly doesn’t really seem like my thing, but I figured, what the heck, I’ve tried everything else.

I responded, asking Katherine to meet for a drink, figuring that we could skip the endless texting portion of the relationship and begin getting to know each other.  I received this response:

I don’t usually do the Tinder thing of meeting from texting. Once I give you my number you call and we can talk at least twice. Then you ask me out on a proper date.  No coffee or cocktails.  I’m poly, but old school. Run my own business but want to be treated like a lady. Sexual but not into anything below the waist stuff outside relationship 

Talk about taking the guesswork out of romance.  In fact, she’s managed to take the romance out of romance!

Well, two can play at the rules game.  I replied with this message:

Hi Katherine, I respect your rules and regulations.  In fact, I have a few of my own.  First of all, no talking about politics on the first date.  No hand-holding or touching of any kind during the first one an a half dates.  Clothing containing the color, fuchsia must never be worn.  Cell phone use is restricted to break times.  Break times will be determined via lottery two days before the date.  Use of mass transit is strictly prohibited.  Any dietary restrictions must be vetted and cleared by a panel of neutral nutritionists no fewer than six days prior to the date.  Sex may only occur on alternate leap years coinciding with years that the New York Mets make the playoffs. 

I await her response…