But wait, folks, there’s more. More Tinder follies! Truthfully, I would ditch this app if it weren’t for the blog material it is giving me.
I matched with a woman named Katherine whose profile promised to “shower me with love and appreciation.” She even made chicken soup for a former boyfriend even though she is a vegetarian. She stated that she was interested in exploring committed polyamoras relationships. (multiple partners at once) Poly doesn’t really seem like my thing, but I figured, what the heck, I’ve tried everything else.
I responded, asking Katherine to meet for a drink, figuring that we could skip the endless texting portion of the relationship and begin getting to know each other. I received this response:
I don’t usually do the Tinder thing of meeting from texting. Once I give you my number you call and we can talk at least twice. Then you ask me out on a proper date. No coffee or cocktails. I’m poly, but old school. Run my own business but want to be treated like a lady. Sexual but not into anything below the waist stuff outside relationship
Talk about taking the guesswork out of romance. In fact, she’s managed to take the romance out of romance!
Well, two can play at the rules game. I replied with this message:
Hi Katherine, I respect your rules and regulations. In fact, I have a few of my own. First of all, no talking about politics on the first date. No hand-holding or touching of any kind during the first one an a half dates. Clothing containing the color, fuchsia must never be worn. Cell phone use is restricted to break times. Break times will be determined via lottery two days before the date. Use of mass transit is strictly prohibited. Any dietary restrictions must be vetted and cleared by a panel of neutral nutritionists no fewer than six days prior to the date. Sex may only occur on alternate leap years coinciding with years that the New York Mets make the playoffs.
For the past several months social media has been rife with snark. Facebook and the Twitterati have turned the decibel level up to 10, gloating over Donald Trump’s poor approval ratings and the inevitable Blue sweep of the Congress in the November midterms. So why was I not surprised when CNN released a poll yesterday saying the the midterm races were in a dead heat?
Puke-faced millennial social media mavens can talk trash until carpal tunnel sets in, but that’s not going to change the fact that we live in an uneducated, racist society that could care less that a narcissistic dullard is president. Throw in the fact that the Republicans that *are* educated are making so much money off of this administration that they, too, are happy to turn a blind eye.
Folks, the fix was in long before Trump became president. Between gerrymandering, the gradual dumbing down of our nation through massive education cuts, and a gluttonous one percent, we have long been a lost cause. Time to batten down the hatches — we’re in for a rough ride.
The media, as well as social media, is all atwitter (if you’ll pardon the expression) over the first 100 days of the Trump presidency. All of a sudden this artificial benchmark of success has taken the nation by storm, dominating the news cycle. I counted no less than four first100 days of presidency articles in today’s Times.
Can I say something? WHO CARES! Look, we know this presidency is an abomination – a tumor on an already reeling American body – but we don’t need a random number of days to tell us this. We could have made this assessment on the 20th day, or even the 7th, if we weren’t so in love with a number that divides by 10.
And while I’m at it, how magical is the number 100? There is seemingly nothing that it can’t do. It can determine when a pitcher runs out of gas, as well as if a presidency is a success or failure. I wonder if it can also core a apple?
Let me tell you something, if you write ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while’ in your post, and you’re not British, then your internet privileges should be revoked. FORTHWITH. Just what kind of airs are you putting on with that garbage word? You think you’re so sophisticated? Well you’re not!
If you are the kind of person that says whilst, then you can take that man-bun of yours, stick the point into a wall socket, and we can all enjoy a good snuff film.
(Unless you’re the man-bun guy from last Club Deluxe last Tuesday. I’m kind of afraid of him)
Last night I played a very enjoyable gig at a trendy new jazz club in San Francisco called The Black Cat. (There used to be an old Black Cat which existed before my time living here) It’s a basement club with tables packed tightly together filled with 20 and 30-something techies drinking $15 martinis and fancy mixed drinks.
At one point in the gig I looked out into the audience from the stage only to see half of the people buried in their phones. There was a table with four young women right in front of the bandstand, all of whom were looking at their phones.
Can’t people go five minutes without checking their Instagram? What’s the point of hanging out with friends if you’re not going to engage?
Is there any wonder we elected a dullard such as Trump? We are building a nonintellectual, incurious, self-absorbed populace that is vapid and disengaged. Wake up, people!
The latest sickening internet trend is the conceit that a random grouping of 365 days is a sentient being. This is especially true on Twitter where people are trying to one up each other for the whiniest tweet. Here’s an example:
So so sad to hear about the death of Carrie Fisher. 2016 has taught us one hell of a lesson.. don’t take anyone for granted! Hurry up 2017!!
I guarantee you I can pick any year and find just as many celebrities that died. Here is a list of notable deaths in 1955:
Albert Einstein, James Agee, James Dean, and most tragically, Shemp Howard of the Three Stooges.
Charlie Parker died in 1955. Bam. 1955 is exponentially worse than 2016.
Again, it’s all about the humblebrag. RIPing Prince, Carrie Fisher, or ________________________ makes you seem like a sensitive individual, but the effect is to draw attention towards yourself and away from the deceased.
There is nothing new about the gratuitous social media RIP, but this year came with a new wrinkle: The anthropomorphism of 2016. As if a year is a sentient being and that somehow 2017 will be more benevolent.
If I might offer a suggestion, try a different calendar. Why not go by the Chinese calendar? Or give the Jewish calendar a shot. Or the Mayan. It couldn’t hurt.
I’ll tell you what, I’m sick of everything being videoed and posted on Facebook. Some middle aged guy rescues a duckling stuck in a chain link fence…WHILE HIS WIFE FILMS IT?! That’s not selflessness, that’s self aggrandizement.
I get that this is an organization that wants to promote kindness to animals…but I don’t care. If I see a duckling, cygnet, or a baby hippo stuck in a chain link fence I’ll do my best to set it free. (well, maybe not the hippo) I’ll tell you one thing I’m not going to do. I’m not going to have my wife film it so that I can brag about what a superior human I am.
In the end what is this video going to accomplish? You’re either the kind of person who’ll save an animal or you’re not. No Facebook video is going to serve as a behavior modification tool. I’d sooner watch a video of this guy having sex with his wife. Now that’s a cause I can get behind!
I can’t stand a humble-bragger. As a musician, my Facebook feed is filled to the brim with humble-bragging. I can’t turn around without reading, “I was humbled to have played with [insert great musician’s name here].” No, in fact you are not humble, you are a blowhard.
The worst is when someone famous dies. An internet R.I.P. is the humblebragger’s catnip. If an H.B. has anything remotely to do with a recently deceased celebrity he’ll have a post up before the cadaver has cooled. The idea of eulogizing someone on social media whom you have never met is repugnant enough, but to use it as an excuse for self aggrandizement is pathetic.
I’m sure the H.B. is not germane to the music business. The internet is built on the backs of porn and humble-bragging. The next time someone famous dies check your social media feed. I’ll guarantee you will uncover some bragging thinly disguised as a eulogy.
Thanks to the proliferation of social media as well as blogs such as this one, we live in a smarm society, one where mean-spirited sarcasm is used for political gain. Nowhere is this more evident than in the web magazine, Salon. Nary a headline is posted that fails to tell me which opinion is right and which is wrong.
Here are some examples:
Donald Trump humiliates himself on conservative radio.
No, Christians you’re not being persecuted, and Kim Davis is not a martyr.
The media’s breathless email scandal reaches new nadir.
At this point I’ll disclose that I am as liberal as they come, yet this kind of didactic, mean spirited, snarky reporting is as offensive to me as Fox news. How are liberal publications any different then reactionary rags such as the New York Post? I would expect more from them, but what it boils down to is they attempt to be as sensationalistic as possible in order to garner readers.
Here is a particularly smug photo caption that someone posted on my Facebook feed.
I agree with most everything the caption says yet I had a viscerally negative reaction to this smug propaganda. What does Occupy Democrats hope to gain by this? If I was a left leaning Republican this cloying, self-aggrandizing ad would almost certainly not sway me to vote Democrat. On the contrary it might inspire to urinate on Occupy Democrat headquarters.
To sum up: Dems we’ve had a good run and things are marginally better than they were in the first eight years of the 21st century. Now shut the fuck up!
The World According to Keitho 